Well, it certainly has been a while since I have posted on Love and Trust Life's Blog! Let me just say, A LOT has changed in the past two months, or so. I am in the process of moving to the Midwest, and I have spent a lot of time in both Minnesota and North Dakota in the last month. However, there has been SO MUCH GROWTH during that time, that I can't even believe it! I thought I had experienced the fruits of my hard work blossom, but I had no idea how things could become even more clear, more beautiful and so much more freeing!
My other half received a job offer for the Bismarck Fire Department at the end of December, and within a month, we were packed up and in a Uhaul heading up north. I don't think I had time to realize what a huge change this was, and what an impact it was going to have on me. I was walking around telling people with such excitement, and happiness that I didn't take the time to see what exactly was happening. As we drove out of Phoenix, and headed out on our journey, tears started to roll down my cheeks. My heart felt as if it was being torn in half, and I think it finally hit me that soon, I would be leaving my home for the past 20+ years. Reality had stuck, and the thoughts started to flood my mind. What about my parents? Were they going to be OK without me? What about my program? Would I be able to find something as wonderful as I have in Arizona? What about my relationship? Is it going to be strong enough to make it through this move? So many thoughts were shooting through my mind!
The next few days were spent driving from Arizona to Minnesota, and then finally to North Dakota. Along the way we had a gathering of friends and family in Phoenix and Albuquerque, and being with people I love and have been close to for my entire life made these thoughts seem even louder in my head. I am moving a thousand miles further from all of these wonderful people, who make my life so beautiful...how am I going to do this? If I didn't tell you that the fear was growing inside of me, I would be lying. I remember the day after we arrived in Bismarck, and my boyfriend's family left back to Minnesota after helping with the move. I looked out the window, it was a grey sky, snow everywhere and just gloomy as ever. I felt like crying, the feeling that I was making a huge mistake was shouting so loud in my head. My heart felt empty.
Here's the thing, I have learned from experience of both myself and others, that if I don't communicate this to someone...I'm doomed. But here is the truth, I am the type of person who wants to solve my own problems without help, and I don't want to reach out. I internalize these feelings, and then one day down the road, I explode! Well after sitting with this feeling for a few days, I finally got off my but and headed to an AA meeting in town. I knew I had to get connected again, and this was the first step.
Let me explain how God works in my life. In Arizona I have meetings that I got to every week, and the most important to me is my Monday night, women's meeting at 6 pm. It's a big book study. Well, in December we heading to Minnesota for the holiday's, and made a over night trip to Bismarck. I had met a woman who invited me to a meeting at her home, and gave me her phone number. Well, I finally decided to use that phone number and as it turned out it was a Women's meeting, at 6 pm, at some one's personal home. It was a big book study. Hmmmm...coincidence? No, not so much. I sat and listened to these women, and saw how they welcomed me and were so open and loving to a stranger. I smiled as I thought of my ladies back in Arizona, and realized that I was doing the exact same thing, and the exact same time as they were. I was spending time with women just like me, sharing our experience, strength and hope with each other, and opening our hearts. I communicated my fears of leaving home with strangers, until I realized they weren't strangers at all. They knew me, they understood exactly where I stood. It was after that meeting, that my heart, that had felt so empty, started to fill up once again.
It wasn't until a few days later that I had a HUGE awakening, and yet another spiritual experience. My boyfriend and I were driving in the truck, and I was staring out the window. I was thinking of everyone back home in Arizona, and I looked over at my other half who, if I haven't mentioned in any of my posts, is just the sweetest most kind man. During this move he had just done a wonderful job taking care of odds and ends, and doing his best to make this as easy as possible for us. As I looked at him, and thought of my friends and family back home...I had this overwhelming sense of knowing that I am just as connected, if not more, to everyone back home as I am here with my Love. Distance, near or far does not matter. It's the effort that is made, it's the thoughts and prayers made, it's the connection with myself and God, it's the deep rooted knowing that we are all connected that made my heart over flow with Love in this moment. Suddenly everything was OK, and everything was clear. It was up to me what type of experience I was going to have with this move.
The rest of my time spent in Bismarck (I am not officially moving until late spring), was such a beautiful experience. I started to see things for what they were, instead of making my own assessments. I was able to communicate with my boyfriend, his family, MY family...and I was able to be honest. I was honest, not only with those around me, but with myself. I saw how the hard work I had done with myself, and my personal affairs was reaping wonderful benefits. The bond with my boyfriend and I is growing more and more each day, I am able to see him, hear him, and understand him more. My connection with my family has improved immensely...I just can't believe how much things have grown in my world. And I am just so grateful for the people who have given me advice, and stood by my side, and encouraged me. I am grateful for my connection with God, and the Love that I have for myself. I am just so blessed each and every day, and once I realized that all I had to do was make a decision, to choose only Love in my life, the illusions started to break.
Today, I can make the decision to be happy. I can have a bad day, and still, I can choose to be happy despite what is going on around me. I can choose to be only Love, and to share that with everyone I come in contact with. Or I can choose fear....let me tell you, some days I choose fear still. But it's those moments where God shows me in the little things that I have a choice, where I smile because I know that another transformation, another opportunity for growth, is just around the corner. And i welcome those moments today, because after the work, I get to enjoy the benefits. And those benefits ALWAYS outweigh the work....always.
-Drea
