One of the most difficult things, I have become aware of, that I am working very hard to change, is acknowledging my feelings and honoring my intuition. You would think that this is something that should come very naturally, right? Not. The. Case. I realized recently that growing up, I was taught to toughen up, and not complain. The problem is, I never learned the difference between complaining and expressing feelings. I thought they were the same thing! As an adult, this has been a root of some serious issues in my life, and boy, oh boy are they really starting to come up.
Through my environment and surroundings, I have learned to stuff my feelings away, and lock them with a key. Showing emotion was something that I attached to a needy, whiny, over-dramatic woman, and Lord knows that I NEVER wanted to become one of those! So what did I do? I learned to be the tough one. I was the girl who hardly ever shed a tear in front of someone, I was the one that people were afraid to anger, I was the one who would give you a piece of my mind warranted or not. What I perceived as a tough, don't-take-no-sh*t-from-nobody, exterior was nothing but a protective shell for a broken and angry, young lady.
Relationship, after relationship, and argument after argument, I defended this tought girl persona that had become a safe and secure place for me. It was my survival mode. I didn't know that I was protecting myself through this shell. When I decided to get sober, and really working a program of recovery, I started to learn more and more about myself. I realized that most things I did were not because "I wanted to," but because I truly felt that I had no other option. I didn't realize how angry I was, and how much I resented myself. I didn't understand that the choices I made were out of an unconscious place that was doing it's best to take care of me, as I knew "me."
Three days ago several events took place, in perfect order, that helped me to awaken to an even deeper level. I experienced myself in these situations as a small child, and adolecent and finally an adult, in a matter of seconds or minutes. Now, there have been many situations in the past that I have engaged in where I realized after the fact that I was acting as a small child or an angry teenager. In these few instances, that took place a few days ago, it was as if I was outside of myself observing as I went through all three phases. And what I realized, was that I was still angry about things I had thought I let go of. And why was I angry? Because I wasn't feeling heard! What do I do when I am not being heard? I speak louder, more agressively, stop LISTENING to others, and interrupt to make sure my point is getting across. In several conversations with people, I saw myself doing these things, and it suddenly came together.
It wasn't wrong of me to feel the things I was feeling. It wasn't wrong for me to want to have a voice. It wasn't wrong for me to even react how I did. I finally saw that the reason I keep repeating this same pattern, stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff.....EXPLODE, is because I go back to that old belief that if I speak up, I am "that" girl. The only that ends up alone, and miserable because no one can stand to be around her. But the thing is, it's not a valid belief. In fact, those who are in my life, and care about me have expressed to me that they do not have one problem with me speaking up! In fact, they respect me more when I have the courage to be open and honest with them. In during one of these episodes this weekend, I finally had reached my limit of holding things in. I couldn't do it for one more single moment. Everything started to flood my mind that I had been holding in. And although, at the time, it scared me because I felt as if I was on a rollercoaster that was never going to pull back up again, I realized that this was a huge breakthrough for me. This was how I was going to completely free myself for the bondage of self.
Because of the wonderful recovery program I am a part of, I knew I had a check list of things to go through to begin to process healing. So after a night of resisting it, I started at the top of that list and reached out to someone I trusted. I spilled everything, and from that I went to step 2, and then 3...and so on until I was able to come to peace and acceptance about myself. Each situation that had put me into a rage the night before, I had managed to come to terms with. I saw the patterns so clearly, and I became willing to go to any lenghts to clean my side of the street, and do the work that needed to be done. I have to remember that just because I am changing, that not all those around me are going to do the same...and that's ok. By I can learn to set healthy boundaries, accept those I love for who they are, let go of my expectations of others, and let it all GO!
Most importantly, I have realized that I have to acknowledge when I am feeling something. I don't have to attach to it, but I have to acknowledge that something is making me actually FEEL. I have to trust that inner voice, and know that I am worth it to speak up when needed, or take action when needed. I have to trust that I can walk away from an unhealthy environment, or trust that sometimes I literally need do nothing. I have to love myself enough to listen with my heart, and honor myself. By doing so, I am loving all those around me. By cracking the shell, that I had used to protect myself in the past, I have freed myself and opened myself up to even more beauty and Love. Somehow, becoming trasparent has no use for protective barriers. I have owned the events I have created in my life, and by doing so I have realized that there is no possible way another person, place or thing can cause me harm. And in that realization, I am safe. I have always been safe, and will continue to always be safe.
Well, it certainly has been a while since I have posted on Love and Trust Life's Blog! Let me just say, A LOT has changed in the past two months, or so. I am in the process of moving to the Midwest, and I have spent a lot of time in both Minnesota and North Dakota in the last month. However, there has been SO MUCH GROWTH during that time, that I can't even believe it! I thought I had experienced the fruits of my hard work blossom, but I had no idea how things could become even more clear, more beautiful and so much more freeing!
My other half received a job offer for the Bismarck Fire Department at the end of December, and within a month, we were packed up and in a Uhaul heading up north. I don't think I had time to realize what a huge change this was, and what an impact it was going to have on me. I was walking around telling people with such excitement, and happiness that I didn't take the time to see what exactly was happening. As we drove out of Phoenix, and headed out on our journey, tears started to roll down my cheeks. My heart felt as if it was being torn in half, and I think it finally hit me that soon, I would be leaving my home for the past 20+ years. Reality had stuck, and the thoughts started to flood my mind. What about my parents? Were they going to be OK without me? What about my program? Would I be able to find something as wonderful as I have in Arizona? What about my relationship? Is it going to be strong enough to make it through this move? So many thoughts were shooting through my mind!
The next few days were spent driving from Arizona to Minnesota, and then finally to North Dakota. Along the way we had a gathering of friends and family in Phoenix and Albuquerque, and being with people I love and have been close to for my entire life made these thoughts seem even louder in my head. I am moving a thousand miles further from all of these wonderful people, who make my life so beautiful...how am I going to do this? If I didn't tell you that the fear was growing inside of me, I would be lying. I remember the day after we arrived in Bismarck, and my boyfriend's family left back to Minnesota after helping with the move. I looked out the window, it was a grey sky, snow everywhere and just gloomy as ever. I felt like crying, the feeling that I was making a huge mistake was shouting so loud in my head. My heart felt empty.
Here's the thing, I have learned from experience of both myself and others, that if I don't communicate this to someone...I'm doomed. But here is the truth, I am the type of person who wants to solve my own problems without help, and I don't want to reach out. I internalize these feelings, and then one day down the road, I explode! Well after sitting with this feeling for a few days, I finally got off my but and headed to an AA meeting in town. I knew I had to get connected again, and this was the first step.
Let me explain how God works in my life. In Arizona I have meetings that I got to every week, and the most important to me is my Monday night, women's meeting at 6 pm. It's a big book study. Well, in December we heading to Minnesota for the holiday's, and made a over night trip to Bismarck. I had met a woman who invited me to a meeting at her home, and gave me her phone number. Well, I finally decided to use that phone number and as it turned out it was a Women's meeting, at 6 pm, at some one's personal home. It was a big book study. Hmmmm...coincidence? No, not so much. I sat and listened to these women, and saw how they welcomed me and were so open and loving to a stranger. I smiled as I thought of my ladies back in Arizona, and realized that I was doing the exact same thing, and the exact same time as they were. I was spending time with women just like me, sharing our experience, strength and hope with each other, and opening our hearts. I communicated my fears of leaving home with strangers, until I realized they weren't strangers at all. They knew me, they understood exactly where I stood. It was after that meeting, that my heart, that had felt so empty, started to fill up once again.
It wasn't until a few days later that I had a HUGE awakening, and yet another spiritual experience. My boyfriend and I were driving in the truck, and I was staring out the window. I was thinking of everyone back home in Arizona, and I looked over at my other half who, if I haven't mentioned in any of my posts, is just the sweetest most kind man. During this move he had just done a wonderful job taking care of odds and ends, and doing his best to make this as easy as possible for us. As I looked at him, and thought of my friends and family back home...I had this overwhelming sense of knowing that I am just as connected, if not more, to everyone back home as I am here with my Love. Distance, near or far does not matter. It's the effort that is made, it's the thoughts and prayers made, it's the connection with myself and God, it's the deep rooted knowing that we are all connected that made my heart over flow with Love in this moment. Suddenly everything was OK, and everything was clear. It was up to me what type of experience I was going to have with this move.
The rest of my time spent in Bismarck (I am not officially moving until late spring), was such a beautiful experience. I started to see things for what they were, instead of making my own assessments. I was able to communicate with my boyfriend, his family, MY family...and I was able to be honest. I was honest, not only with those around me, but with myself. I saw how the hard work I had done with myself, and my personal affairs was reaping wonderful benefits. The bond with my boyfriend and I is growing more and more each day, I am able to see him, hear him, and understand him more. My connection with my family has improved immensely...I just can't believe how much things have grown in my world. And I am just so grateful for the people who have given me advice, and stood by my side, and encouraged me. I am grateful for my connection with God, and the Love that I have for myself. I am just so blessed each and every day, and once I realized that all I had to do was make a decision, to choose only Love in my life, the illusions started to break.
Today, I can make the decision to be happy. I can have a bad day, and still, I can choose to be happy despite what is going on around me. I can choose to be only Love, and to share that with everyone I come in contact with. Or I can choose fear....let me tell you, some days I choose fear still. But it's those moments where God shows me in the little things that I have a choice, where I smile because I know that another transformation, another opportunity for growth, is just around the corner. And i welcome those moments today, because after the work, I get to enjoy the benefits. And those benefits ALWAYS outweigh the work....always.
-Drea
