Cracking the Shell

 

One of the most difficult things, I have become aware of, that I am working very hard to change, is acknowledging my feelings and honoring my intuition. You would think that this is something that should come very naturally, right? Not. The. Case. I realized recently that growing up, I was taught to toughen up, and not complain. The problem is, I never learned the difference between complaining and expressing feelings. I thought they were the same thing! As an adult, this has been a root of some serious issues in my life, and boy, oh boy are they really starting to come up.

Through my environment and surroundings, I have learned to stuff my feelings away, and lock them with a key. Showing emotion was something that I attached to a needy, whiny, over-dramatic woman, and Lord knows that I NEVER wanted to become one of those! So what did I do? I learned to be the tough one. I was the girl who hardly ever shed a tear in front of someone, I was the one that people were afraid to anger, I was the one who would give you a piece of my mind warranted or not. What I perceived as a tough, don't-take-no-sh*t-from-nobody, exterior was nothing but a protective shell for a broken and angry, young lady.

Relationship, after relationship, and argument after argument, I defended this tought girl persona that had become a safe and secure place for me. It was my survival mode. I didn't know that I was protecting myself through this shell. When I decided to get sober, and really working a program of recovery, I started to learn more and more about myself. I realized that most things I did were not because "I wanted to," but because I truly felt that I had no other option. I didn't realize how angry I was, and how much I resented myself. I didn't understand that the choices I made were out of an unconscious place that was doing it's best to take care of me, as I knew "me."

Three days ago several events took place, in perfect order, that helped me to awaken to an even deeper level. I experienced myself in these situations as a small child, and adolecent and finally an adult, in a matter of seconds or minutes. Now, there have been many situations in the past that I have engaged in where I realized after the fact that I was acting as a small child or an angry teenager. In these few instances, that took place a few days ago, it was as if I was outside of myself observing as I went through all three phases. And what I realized, was that I was still angry about things I had thought I let go of. And why was I angry? Because I wasn't feeling heard! What do I do when I am not being heard? I speak louder, more agressively, stop LISTENING to others, and interrupt to make sure my point is getting across. In several conversations with people, I saw myself doing these things, and it suddenly came together.

It wasn't wrong of me to feel the things I was feeling. It wasn't wrong for me to want to have a voice. It wasn't wrong for me to even react how I did. I finally saw that the reason I keep repeating this same pattern, stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff.....EXPLODE, is because I go back to that old belief that if I speak up, I am "that" girl. The only that ends up alone, and miserable because no one can stand to be around her. But the thing is, it's not a valid belief. In fact, those who are in my life, and care about me have expressed to me that they do not have one problem with me speaking up! In fact, they respect me more when I have the courage to be open and honest with them. In during one of these episodes this weekend, I finally had reached my limit of holding things in. I couldn't do it for one more single moment. Everything started to flood my mind that I had been holding in. And although, at the time, it scared me because I felt as if I was on a rollercoaster that was never going to pull back up again, I realized that this was a huge breakthrough for me. This was how I was going to completely free myself for the bondage of self.

Because of the wonderful recovery program I am a part of, I knew I had a check list of things to go through to begin to process healing. So after a night of resisting it, I started at the top of that list and reached out to someone I trusted. I spilled everything, and from that I went to step 2, and then 3...and so on until I was able to come to peace and acceptance about myself. Each situation that had put me into a rage the night before, I had managed to come to terms with. I saw the patterns so clearly, and I became willing to go to any lenghts to clean my side of the street, and do the work that needed to be done. I have to remember that just because I am changing, that not all those around me are going to do the same...and that's ok. By I can learn to set healthy boundaries, accept those I love for who they are, let go of my expectations of others, and let it all GO! 

Most importantly, I have realized that I have to acknowledge when I am feeling something. I don't have to attach to it, but I have to acknowledge that something is making me actually FEEL. I have to trust that inner voice, and know that I am worth it to speak up when needed, or take action when needed. I have to trust that I can walk away from an unhealthy environment, or trust that sometimes I literally need do nothing. I have to love myself enough to listen with my heart, and honor myself. By doing so, I am loving all those around me. By cracking the shell, that I had used to protect myself in the past, I have freed myself and opened myself up to even more beauty and Love. Somehow, becoming trasparent has no use for protective barriers. I have owned the events I have created in my life, and by doing so I have realized that there is no possible way another person, place or thing can cause me harm. And in that realization, I am safe. I have always been safe, and will continue to always be safe.