For-give-ness: Forgive You? Or Forgive Myself?

 

I have been sitting and reflecting on the idea of forgiveness during the past few weeks. A spiritual study group, that I am an active and committed member of, has been on this topic recently, and boy has it brought up some shouting within all of us. What I used to think of forgiveness, is not at all what it is to me today. In fact, it still grows for me today. I see how it evolves within my life, and how I have to adapt, and remain completely willing and opened to receive it's gifts. As a child, I was taught to say sorry if I did something wrong to another. I was also taught to accept an apology from someone who wronged me. Therefore, I carried those beliefs with me until a couple of years ago. In my past I would stew in anger, for who knows how long, because someone would not admit they had wronged me. Today, I don't have to wait for that to have some peace in my life.

Today, I see forgiveness in a whole new light. Today, I can take a situation that brings up some resistance, anger or frustration with another and look at my part. I ALWAYS have a part. What I have come to learn is that it is not the action of another that is causing my discomfort. It's not that at all. What it is, is my perception that what another has done is wrong. In truth, it is impossible for anyone outside of myself to wrong me. I create my experiences, and although it's very difficult to wrap my head around this concept at times, it's so very true.

What I have been experiencing in my spiritual study group is that the conflicts that are arising from each member bring up sensitive core values for me. Things that have been so deep rooted since I was a small child, are coming up still. One person can say something that takes my memory back to a place of fear, and in the past I would jump at the opportunity to correct that person and make them see that they are in the wrong. What I have noticed is that I have gone from that person who will take action, whether it be physical or verbal, and I have been keeping my mouth shut and just observing. This has been a very difficult thing for me to start doing, because my instinct is to do one of two things: fight or run. Ever since I have made the commitment to observe, not only others around me, but myself, doors have been opening that have revealed some of the most beautiful gifts.

I have learned the beauty of letting go of my attachment to people, places or things. Who would have thought that detachment could be a gift? I didn't! But let me tell you, not having to take on stuff that no longer serves me is one of the GREATEST gifts that I have ever received. I used to think that if I detached from things, it meant that I no longer cared about anyone or anything. But that's not true at all. In fact, it means I can actually care more. How? Well, take a fight between yourself and a close friend or family member...you are in disagreement for whatever reason. Something makes you tick, and you get angry and upset. Instead of stewing in what is angering YOU, and how the other person has wronged YOU, you can get to a place of compassion, and understanding. The chances are, if something is upsetting you, it is because you relate to this person more that you are willing to admit in the heat of the moment. But if you take the opportunity, you can use that to relate to the other person in such an intimate way, and open up a space for both of you to heal places that need correction. It's a very loving place to be in, and freeing. To be able to admit that you love yourself and another more than the need to be right, I can't think of a more beautiful and caring place to be.

There is a saying, "I can forgive, but I can not forget."  I can see truth to that in many instances. What I think of this now is that I can detach from the negativity of the occurrance, and let it go. The event still happened, the situation still took place, but I do not have to hold on to the negativity of it anymore. I can free myself of the burden of hurt and pain it brought me. I can dig deep and find out exactly what it is that is causing me so much pain, fear or what have you. I can acknowledge it, and use it to help me grow. Let me tell you...that is not always easy. Trust me, I have had some really awful things happen in my life, that applying this really took some time. But in the end, it really is the only option for me. I don't want to be a victim in this world. I want to accept 100% responsibility for my life, and part of that requires that I let go of junk that no longer has a purpose for my greater good and well being.

After reflecting on this concept of forgiveness, something rings in my mind. Someone very dear to me always says, "Forgiveness is FOR GIVING." And what that means to me today is that by forgiving myself of my perceptions of people, places and things, I am opening up a place to give a piece of myself to another, a piece that they may need to do the same for themselves. After all, there is no greater good that can be done that to reach out and offer a hand to another. And by forgiving myself, and not expecting an apology from anyone else, I am opening up my heart to be someone who can give freely and without expectation. That is what brings me ultimate happiness, and nothing, I have found, is more fulfilling.

-Drea S.