It has been an interesting week for me. Quite a few things have been brought up, that I needed to bring some awareness to. It never seems to get easier to admit that I have to work on something. My sensitive, little (big) ego always likes to take things personally. My resistance to change is directly proportionate to how big of an attachment I have to my defects of character. The more and more I come to feel this resistance, to more I realize that this is true. I had a really strong, and persistant issue come up for me this week, and it was tough to look at it...yet again!
What came up for me this week was my want or "need" to have approval from those I care about. Here is an example of how it appeared in my life: I have decided to receive Reiki levels I and II, it is something that I am passionate about, and am drawn to. I understand that many people aren't going to feel similarly, and that I was okay with. The part that really got to me, and hurt my sensitive little ego, was when I shared it with my boyfriend and wasn't instantly told "I think that's a great idea, and I hope you have a wonderful experience." Instead, we had a 20 minute conversation on why he thought it seemed like a waste of time, and how I didn't feel the need to defend my reasoning for wanting to take the course. A part of me shut down. Although I was happy that I didn't feel the need to argue, and defend my position until he "understood", there was a large part of me that was questioning my desire to take the course. My desire to do something that I loved, and cared about, went out the window because it was questioned by someone else.
I didn't see this right away. No, instead I sat in it for a while and sulked a bit. I justified my need for approval with the fact that I "always" support those that I care about, and had this been the other way around, I would have made that clear. My attachment to being such a "great and supportive" person was just another way I chose to place myself in a little box. So what did I do next? Naturally, I called some people, and tried to get them on "my side." The trouble with that is, I have chosen very carefully the people that I keep close and go to for advice. They don't jump on the bandwagon with my pity parties. Nope. What they did was call me out on my b.s. and tell me this: "don't you dare let someone elses opinion keep you from doing what you are passionate about." Damn it. They were right. I was sitting in a big poopy diaper of old beliefs, some that weren't even mine! I didn't need anyones approval to do anything. Sure, I wanted it, but I didn't need it. What I needed was to allow my heart to guide me, not my ego. And my heart told me what to do long before I asked for anyones opinion.
My issue was never with my boyfriend. In fact, just a few days later he told me "I may not understand, but I support you." I saw what I wanted to see, not what really was. My mind created this movie that no one understood me, and that I didn't have support from anyone. The truth is, everyone I choose to have around me wants nothing but the best for me. At the end of the day, they have always supported me, no matter what. My mind, my ego, likes to tell me otherwise so that I will separate and think of myself as different. We all want what is best for those we Love. We never want to see them settle, or give up on something that makes them happy. I know this is true, because it is what I believe with all of my heart, not only for those I Love, but for all people. And if I ever get to a place where I selfishly think otherwise...RED FLAG! Time to look in the mirror, once again.
It's a process that I have to work on every single day. Just when I think I am healed and free of all illusions, another one comes and smacks me in the face! I am a work in progress, and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect, nor do I want to be. The freedom of not always knowing the best answer, or the most appropriate action, is a blessing! I can learn from others, or from my own experiences. It's what gives me better judgment, what teaches me to continuously surrender, and what allows me open my eyes and my heart to what is. It's what gives me the opportunity to actually live my life, and not just wander through it blindly.
-Drea S.
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