Invictus

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

This poem, written by William Ernest Henley in 1875 after his foot was amputated due to tuberculosis. He put pen to paper, and created this inspiring poem, when he was in recovery from the surgery, but  it also speaks of his life that included a rather impoverished childhood.

The beauty of this poem is infinite in my world, and to say I am grateful for it's existence is an understatement. In one of my previous blogs, I spoke briefly on my struggle during the first few weeks in prison. I also mentioned one of the first messages I received, via mail, from my father that completely helped me turn my perception of my circumstances around. What I didn't mention, is that a few days later I received a long letter from my father, that included this poem. My father has always had a way of finding the right texts, or saying the right thing at the right time. This was certainly no exception.

As I read these words, on my bunk, in my cell, the tears strolled down my face. A smile so big and bright came across my face, as I read the words and let them marinate in my soul. Inspired? Sure. I was definitely inspired. But the words that hit me the most, were in the last four lines. "It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." I was reminded, ever so delicately that I was responsible for the exact position that I was in. It wasn't any ones else's fault that I sat alone, away from all those I loved. And in that realization, I wasn't sad. I was responsible. I was reminded that I created that experience for myself, in order to learn something. So instead of sitting in sorrow and guilt, I was able to free myself of my fear of failure.

I think that the more I go through moments of fear, no matter how long I allow the fear to survive in my mind, the more I realize that absolutely nothing can cause me any harm. No one, no thing can hurt me in any way. And not just me, everyone! As you read this, think of the struggles that you have gotten through. Go back, and think of the worry and the stress that you placed on yourself just trying to figure out "how" and "if" you were going to make it. And here you are, a new day, reading this rant of mine. Isn't that beautiful? We are survivors. We are so much stronger than we all give ourselves credit for. And yet, we continue to keep doubting ourselves day after day. Why? Because of our fear of the unknown.

Think of that last sentence. "Because of our fear of the unknown." What is it that we fear? That things are going to end up so bad? I don't think so. I think many times, we fear the unknown because we are afraid to actually do something right, to succeed. When I sat in prison, I wasn't depressed because I was actually sitting in prison, I mean if you really think about it...things couldn't get much worse than what they were for me there! NO! My fear was that I actually had something to offer people STILL. I was afraid of my potential, despite hitting my rock bottom. I could no longer sit in my failure, now I had to pick myself up and move on. And THAT was what scared the life out of me.

To say that I am grateful for these words, is an understatement. Yes. It was through these words that I started to rebuild myself. It was because my father could relate to me, and knew what it was that I needed to read, that I started to have some self-esteem again. And it was because I accepted responsibility for myself, and owned my actions that I was able to release my fear of failure and see that no such thing exists. Life seems a lot more hopeful when I believe that truth with my entire being. I no longer want to lie to myself, I choose truth.

-Drea S.