Fighting for Approval

It has been an interesting week for me. Quite a few things have been brought up, that I needed to bring some awareness to. It never seems to get easier to admit that I have to work on something. My sensitive, little (big) ego always likes to take things personally. My resistance to change is directly proportionate to how big of an attachment I have to my defects of character. The more and more I come to feel this resistance, to more I realize that this is true. I had a really strong, and persistant issue come up for me this week, and it was tough to look at it...yet again!

What came up for me this week was my want or "need" to have approval from those I care about. Here is an example of how it appeared in my life: I have decided to receive Reiki levels I and II, it is something that I am passionate about, and am drawn to. I understand that many people aren't going to feel similarly, and that I was okay with. The part that really got to me, and hurt my sensitive little ego, was when I shared it with my boyfriend and wasn't instantly told "I think that's a great idea, and I hope you have a wonderful experience." Instead, we had a 20 minute conversation on why he thought it seemed like a waste of time, and how I didn't feel the need to defend my reasoning for wanting to take the course. A part of me shut down. Although I was happy that I didn't feel the need to argue, and defend my position until he "understood", there was a large part of me that was questioning my desire to take the course. My desire to do something that I loved, and cared about, went out the window because it was questioned by someone else.

I didn't see this right away. No, instead I sat in it for a while and sulked a bit. I justified my need for approval with the fact that I "always" support those that I care about, and had this been the other way around, I would have made that clear. My attachment to being such a "great and supportive" person was just another way I chose to place myself in a little box. So what did I do next? Naturally, I called some people, and tried to get them on "my side." The trouble with that is, I have chosen very carefully the people that I keep close and go to for advice. They don't jump on the bandwagon with my pity parties. Nope. What they did was call me out on my b.s. and tell me this: "don't you dare let someone elses opinion keep you from doing what you are passionate about." Damn it. They were right. I was sitting in a big poopy diaper of old beliefs, some that weren't even mine! I didn't need anyones approval to do anything. Sure, I wanted it, but I didn't need it. What I needed was to allow my heart to guide me, not my ego. And my heart told me what to do long before I asked for anyones opinion.

My issue was never with my boyfriend. In fact, just a few days later he told me "I may not understand, but I support you." I saw what I wanted to see, not what really was. My mind created this movie that no one understood me, and that I didn't have support from anyone. The truth is, everyone I choose to have around me wants nothing but the best for me. At the end of the day, they have always supported me, no matter what. My mind, my ego, likes to tell me otherwise so that I will separate and think of myself as different. We all want what is best for those we Love. We never want to see them settle, or give up on something that makes them happy. I know this is true, because it is what I believe with all of my heart, not only for those I Love, but for all people. And if I ever get to a place where I selfishly think otherwise...RED FLAG! Time to look in the mirror, once again.

It's a process that I have to work on every single day. Just when I think I am healed and free of all illusions, another one comes and smacks me in the face! I am a work in progress, and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect, nor do I want to be. The freedom of not always knowing the best answer, or the most appropriate action, is a blessing! I can learn from others, or from my own experiences. It's what gives me better judgment, what teaches me to continuously surrender, and what allows me open my eyes and my heart to what is. It's what gives me the opportunity to actually live my life, and not just wander through it blindly.

-Drea S.

Invictus

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

This poem, written by William Ernest Henley in 1875 after his foot was amputated due to tuberculosis. He put pen to paper, and created this inspiring poem, when he was in recovery from the surgery, but  it also speaks of his life that included a rather impoverished childhood.

The beauty of this poem is infinite in my world, and to say I am grateful for it's existence is an understatement. In one of my previous blogs, I spoke briefly on my struggle during the first few weeks in prison. I also mentioned one of the first messages I received, via mail, from my father that completely helped me turn my perception of my circumstances around. What I didn't mention, is that a few days later I received a long letter from my father, that included this poem. My father has always had a way of finding the right texts, or saying the right thing at the right time. This was certainly no exception.

As I read these words, on my bunk, in my cell, the tears strolled down my face. A smile so big and bright came across my face, as I read the words and let them marinate in my soul. Inspired? Sure. I was definitely inspired. But the words that hit me the most, were in the last four lines. "It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." I was reminded, ever so delicately that I was responsible for the exact position that I was in. It wasn't any ones else's fault that I sat alone, away from all those I loved. And in that realization, I wasn't sad. I was responsible. I was reminded that I created that experience for myself, in order to learn something. So instead of sitting in sorrow and guilt, I was able to free myself of my fear of failure.

I think that the more I go through moments of fear, no matter how long I allow the fear to survive in my mind, the more I realize that absolutely nothing can cause me any harm. No one, no thing can hurt me in any way. And not just me, everyone! As you read this, think of the struggles that you have gotten through. Go back, and think of the worry and the stress that you placed on yourself just trying to figure out "how" and "if" you were going to make it. And here you are, a new day, reading this rant of mine. Isn't that beautiful? We are survivors. We are so much stronger than we all give ourselves credit for. And yet, we continue to keep doubting ourselves day after day. Why? Because of our fear of the unknown.

Think of that last sentence. "Because of our fear of the unknown." What is it that we fear? That things are going to end up so bad? I don't think so. I think many times, we fear the unknown because we are afraid to actually do something right, to succeed. When I sat in prison, I wasn't depressed because I was actually sitting in prison, I mean if you really think about it...things couldn't get much worse than what they were for me there! NO! My fear was that I actually had something to offer people STILL. I was afraid of my potential, despite hitting my rock bottom. I could no longer sit in my failure, now I had to pick myself up and move on. And THAT was what scared the life out of me.

To say that I am grateful for these words, is an understatement. Yes. It was through these words that I started to rebuild myself. It was because my father could relate to me, and knew what it was that I needed to read, that I started to have some self-esteem again. And it was because I accepted responsibility for myself, and owned my actions that I was able to release my fear of failure and see that no such thing exists. Life seems a lot more hopeful when I believe that truth with my entire being. I no longer want to lie to myself, I choose truth.

-Drea S.



What Happens When You Stop Fighting?

 

I never thought I would be someone who found joy in not fighting back. I'm not talking physically, although many times in my past I was one to turn that direction very quickly. I am talking about the relationships in my life, with work, with disagreements, with taking advice...the list is endless. I am the type of person who has to be in control, has to be right and has to have the last word by nature. I learned from a young age how to take care of myself, and was very independent early on. As I got older, this self reliance turned into a internal struggle with my ego to be a "strong independent woman," someone who didn't have to depend on anyone or anything. I had to know the answers to everything, I had to find a way to survive, not just by providing for myself, but I had to create an environment where I fed this ego of mine constantly. It was exhausting!

It has been a struggle to learn how to surrender and accept that my way isn't always right. It is something that I have to do on a daily basis, and it's hard sometimes. Admitting that Life is far more intelligent that I am is so drastically different than the belief that I am all powerful as I used to think. Luckily, I understand that if I am resisting something, there is usually something there that I need to work on. I am open to that today.

There is so much more freedom in not knowing the answers all the time. I am free to ask the opinion of others, and not get defensive with their response. I am free to say "I don't know," and not appear weak. I am free to step in someone else's shoes and walk a few miles, and be free of judgment. There are so many gifts that come from admitting that I don't know everything. And after all, what is it that we all really know anyway? The only times I feel really good, the only times that I feel completely at peace are the times when I let go of everything that I have come to know as "real" and live through my heart. And when I am being guided by my heart, there is rarely any thinking involved. I'm being guided by God, by something greater than myself. In this place, everything is perfect, all is exactly as it should be, and I am filled with gratitude.

I talk of this place, when I am being guided by my heart, often. And it's very special to me, because for the longest time I really believed that I had to think my way through life. I don't know about you, but for me, when I am thinking my way through all of my problems, and trying to wrap my mind around why people act the way they do, why certain things have to happen, etc., I get stuck. I honestly don't know how to move forward, and I get anxiety with the energy that is blocked. Since I have been learning to live and be guided by my heart, those blockages have opened up and I don't get stuck in the past or worrying about the future. I can run freely with the flow of life. For me, there is nothing sweeter than feeling so connected with nature, with those around me, with God, and seeing the miracles that happen in each moment. And for that, I am forever grateful. And in this moment, I am warmed by the simple thought that many, if not all, of you may understand exactly what this place feels like, and we can enjoy it together.

-Drea S.

Imprisonment: Behind Bars or In My Own Thoughts

 

I remember the day I was taken to ASPC Perryville, from Estrella County Jail. I had been up for 14-16 hours, in a tiny holding tank with 5 other women, no bench to sit on, not blankets, and no pillows. After sitting in this tank all night, freezing, starving and so tired that you can't even think straight, a van finally picked us up and transferred us from county jail to the state prison facility. I remember sitting in the van, chains on my ankles and cuffs on my wrists, peeking out of the tiny corner of the window with a huge smile on my face. I could see civilization! After a month of sitting in county jail, I hadn't seen a car drive on the freeway, or a tree, or the sky for that matter. So I sat against the door and watched carefully as we made our way to DOC.

When we pulled up to the gates at Lumley, one of Perryville's maximum security yards, we were lined up against a chain fence, uncuffed and sniffed out by the dogs. Now, some of you may be thinking, "that's horrible!" But let me tell you, we were promised that if we were on good behavior we would never wear a pair of handcuffs again, and that was something that means a whole lot after any time spent in a pair. I was so excited to finally get to Perryville, it meant better food, contact visits with my family, boyfriend and friends, no handcuffs, TV, being able to roam outside in a yard, and so much more. After losing these privileges of everyday life, you start to appreciate the really small things. I was ready to get these next few months knocked out, so I could go home, and if it meant some extra freedom along the way, I was all for it.

The first 8 hours upon arrival meant sitting in medical and receiving various tests and evaluations. Some processes are to make sure you are healthy enough to be held in public population, and others help classify your security level and medical clearance for work. It was a long process, and it went smooth until the last hour. I came in with a pair of plastic framed glasses, for a reason. I knew that metal frames were not allowed in the jails, and I have horrible vision, so I prepared. Well, After sitting through county for a month with no problem, and the first 7 hours of intake at Perryville, my glasses had not been a problem. About an hour before we were done, I was called to the Correction Officer's desk and asked to sign a form. As I glanced over the form, I realized it was property form that had information about my eye glasses already filled out. The C.O. then asked me to remove my glasses and surrender them to her.

"No, no. This can't be happening. I can't see without these." I kept thinking to myself. I explained that they were a plastic frame and was told i could keep them. She told me there was a small piece of metal at the hinges, and therefore they were not acceptable. She confiscated them, and told me to have a family member pick them up. My heart sank. I am legally blind without my glasses, and cannot see further than 6 inches away from my face. I was terrified. I am in prison, I have never been here before, I can't see, and I'm scared out of my mind. My mind starts racing at 1000 miles an hour, and the tears start streaming down my face. I wanted so badly to call home and talk to someone, anyone  familiar. I wanted to hug my mom, I wanted to lay in my own bed, I wanted Dan to tell me it was going to be OK, I wanted to feel safe. Honestly, I kept praying that I would wake up from this nightmare still...after 30 days ,a part of me thought it could still be a dream.

After we finished at medical they proceeded to take us to Receiving and Assignment (R&A). I had heard stories of this portion of the DOC journey, but again, nothing could fully prepare you for this. It was 23 hour a day lock down in a cell with 1-2 other cell mates. You are released for 15 minutes 3 times a day during the week, and 2 times a day on the weekends to eat, and 1 hour a day every 2-3 days for "Rec" where you can sit outside or take a shower. The first day in R&A, I was assigned a room with one of the women I had come from Estrella with, and we were told to go straight to our cell and "lock down." I remember as if it were yesterday, the feeling I had when I closed that door and I was confined to my cell. Overcome with fear, trembling to hold my tears back, once again, and feeling so much anxiety that it seemed as though I might just burst into a million pieces. I wanted to die. I literally wanted to give up, and call it quits rather than to go through this anymore.

The next few days were the toughest days I have ever had in my entire life. Not only could I not see anything, I could not call home, I had no paper to write a letter, I had no books to read, I couldn't sleep, I hadn't showered in 3 days (one of the women had our Rec taken away for bad behavior), the list went on and on. I was in so much fear and victimization, that I couldn't even get to a place of gratitude for one second!  I felt so broken, and it seemed as though I was never going to be able to recover from this. My release date was so far away, I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be a free woman again.

It wasn't until a few days after my arrival at Perryville that I had a moment of complete and utter clarity. I was standing at my tiny window in the door, looking out at the shadows to guess what time of day it was. I saw some birds on the rail in front of my cell, and I started to just focus on the birds. I started to think of what it would be like to be those birds. "If I were those birds, I would be as far away from this place as possible. Why do they chose to come here? There is no food, no water, no nothing." I stood in front of this door for a while, and I just observed. And suddenly it became very clear to me, "these birds don't know any different that to come here, to this prison, and search for food to survive. There must be something here for them to keep coming back." The more I pondered on that thought, the more I started to shift my perception of my situation. Prior to my court dates, and sentencing, I had a really positive attitude about this upcoming prison sentence. Somewhere along the way, I had lost that positivity, and got sucked into identifying myself with this prison. I had bought in to the illusion that I was a prisoner. I had bought into the illusion that I was worthless, and didn't deserve anything good in life. By watching these birds for who knows how long, I was able to become aware of the veil I had over myself. And ever so slowly, I started to peel it away.

The very moment I made the choice to accept my situation for what it was, a learning experience and nothing more, The gripping fear slowly started to release from me. It didn't happen immediately, but bit by bit things started happening. On my 4th day, I got my first letter from my father. It was a simple post card that said "Andre - I think about you everyday, and smile comes to my face when I think that we will be together again soon." I remember the feeling of warmth that started to fill my heart as I read those words. I remember the smile that came across my face, and the tears that followed. I wasn't alone. Even though I felt so far away, the simple reminder from my father helped me to see the truth of everything. My family was still there for me. My friends were still there for me. My boyfriend was still there for me. I had the same support that I did when I was home, I just had to stop looking outside for it. All I had to do was dig in and connect to my own heart to feel it.

My sponsor told me before I left, "If you can be free in prison, you can be free anywhere." I finally started to see that there was a solid truth to those words. The locked doors and cells and handcuffs could not imprison me. My own thoughts, judgments, and beliefs were the only bars that I could place on my life. Identifying myself with the things I had done, the places I had been, and the situations I had put myself in was going to be the only imprisonment that could exist. I was done playing the game, I was done buying into the illusion that I was worthless and less of a person for being where I was. And I made a committment to myself to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to accept responsibility for my actions, and learn from every part of this experience. I wanted to get to know the women around me, and learn from them, I wanted to take this break from society and cleanse myself. I wanted to take advantage of the fact that for the next few months I didn't have to worry about taking care of anyone but myself. This was ME time. I thank God for giving me that moment of awareness. I am grateful that I was able to take a step out of my own mind and observe what I was saying to myself. No wonder I couldn't get a positive thought out, I was too busy beating myself up and kicking myself when I was down. Once I was able to listen to my own thoughts, and not judge them, I was able to shift my perception completely. It didn't matter that I didn't have my glasses, or that I couldn't call my family yet. This was all temporary. The emptiness and loneliness that I felt was my own creation, and I didn't have to spend the next few months sulking in it. And let me tell you, those next few months held some of the happiest moments in my life. I shared beautiful connections with not only the women incarcerated with me, but with those back home. My relationships started to grow with my parents, my boyfriend, my friends and extended family. Here I thought that being gone would cause people to forget about me, and it did the opposite. It brought me closer to everyone, including myself.

Two months after getting to Perryville I finally had a pair of glasses sent to me from my father. I remember putting them on, and crying, I was so happy! It was very symbolic for me, it was as of God gave me my eyes back. After going the first two months hardly seeing a thing, and learning not to judge anyone of anything based on my eye sight, I was allowed to see again. Only this time, I could actually SEE. I appreciated what it was that appeared before me, prison and all. I embraced it, and those around me. I truly saw the women I was surrounded by and had learned to love them. And last....I could see myself. The best part was, I loved what I saw. I had learned to Love myself for the very first time....ever. and that was the most irreplaceable gift. When I look back at the months I spent in prison, I no longer have to dwell in the darkness, I can celebrate the light that came from it. I am actually proud of the woman I have become, and a large part of that growth is attributed to my stay behind bars.

  -Drea S.

Letting Go of Need

There is a concept that has come up many times in a study that I currently doing. "I need do nothing." Simple words, not so simple meaning. When I see that statement, the first part of me that wants to analyze it is my ego. "What do you mean, I need do nothing? What about work? I HAVE to do that. How else would I pay that bills that HAVE to be paid?" I mean, I can go on and on, and boy have I in many arguments of my past. If I were to make a list of the things I have "had to do" in my life, I probably would never have any fun, time to rest, or opportunities to experience new things. Thank God for the part of me that knows that this statement really does ring true, the part of me that is connected with All, that knows the Truth. And the truth is, I literally need do nothing. Does that mean that I actually don't do anything, ever? No!

The more I have practiced this in my life, the more meaning it has, and the more I have come to learn about the true essence of myself. The beauty of it is that there are so many things that I truly WANT to do. I WANT to get up and work, I WANT to pay my bills, I WANT to help people, I WANT to be kind to those I connect with, I WANT to Love all. As long as I watch my motives, and make choices from the heart, I never seem to dread or dislike anything I'm doing, because I am not worried about the doing...I am being. It is only when I am focused on the outcome of something that I  am doing that I get preoccupied with the minor details or inconveniences. It is when I am focused on the doing that I  find it difficult to accept what is. 

So, with the help of this simple phrase, I need do nothing, I can check my motives, see if I am acting out of my ego and focusing on the outcome. Most of the time it is a reminder for me to take a step back and let go! There are few things I have actual control over, even though I like to think that I am far more powerful than I really am. Life has a way of figuring itself out without my help, and as long as I can trust that process, I can keep myself from a lot of unnecessary stress. Less stress means that I can stop living life life a stiff, and enjoy it. I can stop and take a break when I want to, I can laugh at myself when I am taking myself too seriously, I can allow myself to make mistakes, and try a different way...the list is endless. My point is, when I can let go, and allow life to take care of itself, I get the opportunity to play like a child again, and enjoy the innocence of all that surrounds me.

The world that I choose to live in today, is one that I have to make a conscious effort to create.  I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt. I choose to see the glass as half full. I choose to look at our world as a loving place, and not one of hate. I choose to let go and not hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. I choose to see the beauty and not the ugliness. Some days are harder than others, but for the most part, I don't have what most would call a "bad" day. And when I do, it is because I am finding something in my life unacceptable, and I am focused on an outcome. By realizing my need to do nothing and accept what is, I can usually transcend whatever it is I am struggling with. I can choose to start my day over at any time, and when I choose to do so, it usually means I am choosing to Love.

 

-Drea S.