Cracking the Shell

 

One of the most difficult things, I have become aware of, that I am working very hard to change, is acknowledging my feelings and honoring my intuition. You would think that this is something that should come very naturally, right? Not. The. Case. I realized recently that growing up, I was taught to toughen up, and not complain. The problem is, I never learned the difference between complaining and expressing feelings. I thought they were the same thing! As an adult, this has been a root of some serious issues in my life, and boy, oh boy are they really starting to come up.

Through my environment and surroundings, I have learned to stuff my feelings away, and lock them with a key. Showing emotion was something that I attached to a needy, whiny, over-dramatic woman, and Lord knows that I NEVER wanted to become one of those! So what did I do? I learned to be the tough one. I was the girl who hardly ever shed a tear in front of someone, I was the one that people were afraid to anger, I was the one who would give you a piece of my mind warranted or not. What I perceived as a tough, don't-take-no-sh*t-from-nobody, exterior was nothing but a protective shell for a broken and angry, young lady.

Relationship, after relationship, and argument after argument, I defended this tought girl persona that had become a safe and secure place for me. It was my survival mode. I didn't know that I was protecting myself through this shell. When I decided to get sober, and really working a program of recovery, I started to learn more and more about myself. I realized that most things I did were not because "I wanted to," but because I truly felt that I had no other option. I didn't realize how angry I was, and how much I resented myself. I didn't understand that the choices I made were out of an unconscious place that was doing it's best to take care of me, as I knew "me."

Three days ago several events took place, in perfect order, that helped me to awaken to an even deeper level. I experienced myself in these situations as a small child, and adolecent and finally an adult, in a matter of seconds or minutes. Now, there have been many situations in the past that I have engaged in where I realized after the fact that I was acting as a small child or an angry teenager. In these few instances, that took place a few days ago, it was as if I was outside of myself observing as I went through all three phases. And what I realized, was that I was still angry about things I had thought I let go of. And why was I angry? Because I wasn't feeling heard! What do I do when I am not being heard? I speak louder, more agressively, stop LISTENING to others, and interrupt to make sure my point is getting across. In several conversations with people, I saw myself doing these things, and it suddenly came together.

It wasn't wrong of me to feel the things I was feeling. It wasn't wrong for me to want to have a voice. It wasn't wrong for me to even react how I did. I finally saw that the reason I keep repeating this same pattern, stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff.....EXPLODE, is because I go back to that old belief that if I speak up, I am "that" girl. The only that ends up alone, and miserable because no one can stand to be around her. But the thing is, it's not a valid belief. In fact, those who are in my life, and care about me have expressed to me that they do not have one problem with me speaking up! In fact, they respect me more when I have the courage to be open and honest with them. In during one of these episodes this weekend, I finally had reached my limit of holding things in. I couldn't do it for one more single moment. Everything started to flood my mind that I had been holding in. And although, at the time, it scared me because I felt as if I was on a rollercoaster that was never going to pull back up again, I realized that this was a huge breakthrough for me. This was how I was going to completely free myself for the bondage of self.

Because of the wonderful recovery program I am a part of, I knew I had a check list of things to go through to begin to process healing. So after a night of resisting it, I started at the top of that list and reached out to someone I trusted. I spilled everything, and from that I went to step 2, and then 3...and so on until I was able to come to peace and acceptance about myself. Each situation that had put me into a rage the night before, I had managed to come to terms with. I saw the patterns so clearly, and I became willing to go to any lenghts to clean my side of the street, and do the work that needed to be done. I have to remember that just because I am changing, that not all those around me are going to do the same...and that's ok. By I can learn to set healthy boundaries, accept those I love for who they are, let go of my expectations of others, and let it all GO! 

Most importantly, I have realized that I have to acknowledge when I am feeling something. I don't have to attach to it, but I have to acknowledge that something is making me actually FEEL. I have to trust that inner voice, and know that I am worth it to speak up when needed, or take action when needed. I have to trust that I can walk away from an unhealthy environment, or trust that sometimes I literally need do nothing. I have to love myself enough to listen with my heart, and honor myself. By doing so, I am loving all those around me. By cracking the shell, that I had used to protect myself in the past, I have freed myself and opened myself up to even more beauty and Love. Somehow, becoming trasparent has no use for protective barriers. I have owned the events I have created in my life, and by doing so I have realized that there is no possible way another person, place or thing can cause me harm. And in that realization, I am safe. I have always been safe, and will continue to always be safe.

Walking the Walk...

Well, it certainly has been a while since I have posted on Love and Trust Life's Blog! Let me just say, A LOT has changed in the past two months, or so. I am in the process of moving to the Midwest, and I have spent a lot of time in both Minnesota and North Dakota in the last month. However, there has been SO MUCH GROWTH during that time, that I can't even believe it! I thought I had experienced the fruits of my hard work blossom, but I had no idea how things could become even more clear, more beautiful and so much more freeing!

My other half received a job offer for the Bismarck Fire Department at the end of December, and within a month, we were packed up and in a Uhaul heading up north. I don't think I had time to realize what a huge change this was, and what an impact it was going to have on me. I was walking around telling people with such excitement, and happiness that I didn't take the time to see what exactly was happening. As we drove out of Phoenix, and headed out on our journey, tears started to roll down my cheeks. My heart felt as if it was being torn in half, and I think it finally hit me that soon, I would be leaving my home for the past 20+ years. Reality had stuck, and the thoughts started to flood my mind. What about my parents? Were they going to be OK without me? What about my program? Would I be able to find something as wonderful as I have in Arizona? What about my relationship? Is it going to be strong enough to make it through this move? So many thoughts were shooting through my mind!

The next few days were spent driving from Arizona to Minnesota, and then finally to North Dakota. Along the way we had a gathering of friends and family in Phoenix and Albuquerque, and being with people I love and have been close to for my entire life made these thoughts seem even louder in my head. I am moving a thousand miles further from all of these wonderful people, who make my life so beautiful...how am I going to do this? If I didn't tell you that the fear was growing inside of me, I would be lying. I remember the day after we arrived in Bismarck, and my boyfriend's family left back to Minnesota after helping with the move. I looked out the window, it was a grey sky, snow everywhere and just gloomy as ever. I felt like crying, the feeling that I was making a huge mistake was shouting so loud in my head. My heart felt empty.

Here's the thing, I have learned from experience of both myself and others, that if I don't communicate this to someone...I'm doomed. But here is the truth, I am the type of person who wants to solve my own problems without help, and I don't want to reach out. I internalize these feelings, and then one day down the road, I explode! Well after sitting with this feeling for a few days, I finally got off my but and headed to an AA meeting in town. I knew I had to get connected again, and this was the first step.

Let me explain how God works in my life. In Arizona I have meetings that I got to every week, and the most important to me is my Monday night, women's meeting at 6 pm. It's a big book study. Well, in December we heading to Minnesota for the holiday's, and made a over night trip to Bismarck. I had met a woman who invited me to a meeting at her home, and gave me her phone number. Well, I finally decided to use that phone number and as it turned out it was a Women's meeting, at  6 pm, at some one's personal home. It was a big book study. Hmmmm...coincidence? No, not so much. I sat and listened to these women, and saw how they welcomed me and were so open and loving to a stranger. I smiled as I thought of my ladies back in Arizona, and realized that I was doing the exact same thing, and the exact same time as they were. I was spending time with women just like me, sharing our experience, strength and hope with each other, and opening our hearts. I communicated my fears of leaving home with strangers, until I realized they weren't strangers at all. They knew me, they understood exactly where I stood. It was after that meeting, that my heart, that had felt so empty, started to fill up once again.

It wasn't until a few days later that I had a HUGE awakening, and yet another spiritual experience. My boyfriend and I were driving in the truck, and I was staring out the window. I was thinking of everyone back home in Arizona, and I looked over at my other half who, if I haven't mentioned in any of my posts, is just the sweetest most kind man. During this move he had just done a wonderful job taking care of odds and ends, and doing his best to make this as easy as possible for us. As I looked at him, and thought of my friends and family back home...I had this overwhelming sense of knowing that I am just as connected, if not more, to everyone back home as I am here with my Love. Distance, near or far does not matter. It's the effort that is made, it's the thoughts and prayers made, it's the connection with myself and God, it's the deep rooted knowing that we are all connected that made my heart over flow with Love in this moment. Suddenly everything was OK, and everything was clear. It was up to me what type of experience I was going to have with this move.

The rest of my time spent in Bismarck (I am not officially moving until late spring), was such a beautiful experience. I started to see things for what they were, instead of making my own assessments. I was able to communicate with my boyfriend, his family, MY family...and I was able to be honest. I was honest, not only with those around me, but with myself. I saw how the hard work I had done with myself, and my personal affairs was reaping wonderful benefits. The bond with my boyfriend and I is growing more and more each day, I am able to see him, hear him, and understand him more. My connection with my family has improved immensely...I just can't believe how much things have grown in my world. And I am just so grateful for the people who have given me advice, and stood by my side, and encouraged me. I am grateful for my connection with God, and the Love that I have for myself. I am just so blessed each and every day, and once I realized that all I had to do was make a decision, to choose only Love in my life, the illusions started to break.

Today, I can make the decision to be happy. I can have a bad day, and still, I can choose to be happy despite what is going on around me. I can choose to be only Love, and to share that with everyone I come in contact with. Or I can choose fear....let me tell you, some days I choose fear still. But it's those moments where God shows me in the little things that I have a choice, where I smile because I know that another transformation, another opportunity for growth, is just around the corner. And i welcome those moments today, because after the work, I get to enjoy the benefits. And those  benefits ALWAYS outweigh the work....always.

-Drea

Tragedy Hits at the Heart: How Do We Heal?

 

It's all over the news, post after post on Facebook, in the newspapers...the shootings that took place yesterday in Newtown, Connecticut have left this country in complete heartbreak. It's more than a tragedy, what took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School. That's a common feeling around the country this morning, while some have cried many tears, others have expressed anger towards the shooter. I don't wish to name the shooter specifically, and for my own reasons, some of which I will touch on during this blog. However, it's safe to say that what happened yesterday was another example of how our society has and will continue to head in such a dark direction, if things don't change. It's heavy on my heart, and yes, I am terribly sad for the children and other adult victims of this horrific event, but I am even in more pain for the rest of us who have been surviving through these heart wrenching events, and sadly...I feel there are still more to come.

I have so many ideas that have been flying through my head since I found out the news yesterday. I only tuned in to the news for a brief moment, to confirm what I have previously heard. And my heart sank, as I saw the scene outside of Sandy Hook. Why? What is it that can cause any one such a deep desire to cause harm to another human being? No matter how much spiritual studying I do, and how deep of an understanding that I may or may not have of the term "harm" I am still human. My heart still breaks, I still cry, I still hurt for those who are suffering. Yesterday was no different.

One of my issues, when events such as this take place, starts with the media. They have the ability to turn a horrific event into a Hollywood night out. And as much as I have been guilty of this in the past, we all sit in front of the television and soak up every ounce of it. Memorizing the people's faces, histories, and passing judgments on those who are the cause. In this case, the shooter, only 20 years old, took his own life. In my opinion, I am not happy that one more life was lost, whether it be an innocent child or the shooter himself, but I am relieved that our country will not have to sit through the televised court proceedings of his "punishment." That is not the answer to stopping this from happening again. But all you will see on TV is "what could have caused this man to do this?" "John Doe caused tragedy in Blanktown, US." Etc, etc. We make these people who commit awful crimes  famous! It has to stop! Tuning in to watch the same words repeated, over and over, has to stop! Passing judgment on these broken people has to stop!  

I have seen so many posts and heard so many comments about this person, and the hate and anger that is coming out saddens me just as much as the event itself. Do I agree with what he did? Absolutely not! Do I feel sorry for him? Negative. But I do know, deep down in my heart, that someone does not commit an act such as this if they are in a good place in their life.. This 20 year old man was in pain himself, and without an outlet this is the direction that pain can take any one of us. When I sat in prison for those months, I came into direct contact with women who have committed murder. Did I pass judgement? Of course I did...at first. But the more I sat in there and thought about it, what right do I have to do that? Have I not had a murderous thought before? Have I not acted violently against a fellow human being? Have I not been a part of a potentially life threatening situation? Yes to ALL of the above. Now, that's just me. But I challenge all of you to think about similar things. We have all been in those places of hurt and fear. Most will not act on them, but you and I all know that it can happen in a split second where an act is done without a second thought. "But this is the slaughtering of innocent people? How can you compare a murderous thought to murder of multiple people?" I am not saying that what this man did was right or justified in any way, what I am saying is that I have ZERO right to judge. I have never walked in his shoes, I have never seen the pain through his eyes. I don't know. But what I do know is that I have hurt, I have been in pain, I have been so selfish that it sickens me, I have had awful thoughts, and that doesn't make me any better or worse. We are all in this together, and the sooner our society realizes that, and stops separating us from one another, the sooner we can begin to heal as a whole.

All I know is that had I not had people to turn to, places to go and a power greater than myself to trust, I could have sunk lower and lower into that dark pit that was growing inside of me. But because I had hands that were reached out to me, and love of family, friends and God, I was able to crawl my way out. I can't say the same for every other soul on this plane. There are a lot of wounded souls out there, and instead of reaching a hand to those who need it, we are judging, pointing fingers, starting wars between countries, states, cities, neighborhoods, and most importantly...within ourselves. When I talk about Love being everything, and only Love matters..this is why. The only thing that is going to be able to heal our wounded souls is Love. We must not be afraid to extend that Love to one in need. And this doesn't just mean a homeless man on the side of the road, or a elderly woman needing assistance, or a stray puppy on the street...this means the darkest and most troubled souls. Those in our prisons, those in mental hospitals, those who have so much fear and hate in their eyes, they need the most Love. I've seen it, and the most beautiful thing is, I have seen that fear and hate disolve, and the Love emerge from their heart. It's a miraculous thing, and each person is capable of finding the Love within them, they just need a little hope sometimes.

So as we mourn for those in the shooting in Newtown, I ask you to take a deeper look. I ask you to find those places where you have had unkind thoughts, acted unkindly to another, and forgive yourself. I ask you to make an effort to view things a little differently. I ask you to pray for those how are suffering, including yourself. I ask you to find a place to share the Love within your own heart, and never be afraid to extend it to another. We are all in this together, the sooner we start to remember that and live by it, the sooner we will begin to heal the darkness and allow the light within us all to shine. Don't be afraid to shine. Don't be afraid to Love. And most importantly, do not be afraid to let Love in.

-Drea S.

For-give-ness: Forgive You? Or Forgive Myself?

 

I have been sitting and reflecting on the idea of forgiveness during the past few weeks. A spiritual study group, that I am an active and committed member of, has been on this topic recently, and boy has it brought up some shouting within all of us. What I used to think of forgiveness, is not at all what it is to me today. In fact, it still grows for me today. I see how it evolves within my life, and how I have to adapt, and remain completely willing and opened to receive it's gifts. As a child, I was taught to say sorry if I did something wrong to another. I was also taught to accept an apology from someone who wronged me. Therefore, I carried those beliefs with me until a couple of years ago. In my past I would stew in anger, for who knows how long, because someone would not admit they had wronged me. Today, I don't have to wait for that to have some peace in my life.

Today, I see forgiveness in a whole new light. Today, I can take a situation that brings up some resistance, anger or frustration with another and look at my part. I ALWAYS have a part. What I have come to learn is that it is not the action of another that is causing my discomfort. It's not that at all. What it is, is my perception that what another has done is wrong. In truth, it is impossible for anyone outside of myself to wrong me. I create my experiences, and although it's very difficult to wrap my head around this concept at times, it's so very true.

What I have been experiencing in my spiritual study group is that the conflicts that are arising from each member bring up sensitive core values for me. Things that have been so deep rooted since I was a small child, are coming up still. One person can say something that takes my memory back to a place of fear, and in the past I would jump at the opportunity to correct that person and make them see that they are in the wrong. What I have noticed is that I have gone from that person who will take action, whether it be physical or verbal, and I have been keeping my mouth shut and just observing. This has been a very difficult thing for me to start doing, because my instinct is to do one of two things: fight or run. Ever since I have made the commitment to observe, not only others around me, but myself, doors have been opening that have revealed some of the most beautiful gifts.

I have learned the beauty of letting go of my attachment to people, places or things. Who would have thought that detachment could be a gift? I didn't! But let me tell you, not having to take on stuff that no longer serves me is one of the GREATEST gifts that I have ever received. I used to think that if I detached from things, it meant that I no longer cared about anyone or anything. But that's not true at all. In fact, it means I can actually care more. How? Well, take a fight between yourself and a close friend or family member...you are in disagreement for whatever reason. Something makes you tick, and you get angry and upset. Instead of stewing in what is angering YOU, and how the other person has wronged YOU, you can get to a place of compassion, and understanding. The chances are, if something is upsetting you, it is because you relate to this person more that you are willing to admit in the heat of the moment. But if you take the opportunity, you can use that to relate to the other person in such an intimate way, and open up a space for both of you to heal places that need correction. It's a very loving place to be in, and freeing. To be able to admit that you love yourself and another more than the need to be right, I can't think of a more beautiful and caring place to be.

There is a saying, "I can forgive, but I can not forget."  I can see truth to that in many instances. What I think of this now is that I can detach from the negativity of the occurrance, and let it go. The event still happened, the situation still took place, but I do not have to hold on to the negativity of it anymore. I can free myself of the burden of hurt and pain it brought me. I can dig deep and find out exactly what it is that is causing me so much pain, fear or what have you. I can acknowledge it, and use it to help me grow. Let me tell you...that is not always easy. Trust me, I have had some really awful things happen in my life, that applying this really took some time. But in the end, it really is the only option for me. I don't want to be a victim in this world. I want to accept 100% responsibility for my life, and part of that requires that I let go of junk that no longer has a purpose for my greater good and well being.

After reflecting on this concept of forgiveness, something rings in my mind. Someone very dear to me always says, "Forgiveness is FOR GIVING." And what that means to me today is that by forgiving myself of my perceptions of people, places and things, I am opening up a place to give a piece of myself to another, a piece that they may need to do the same for themselves. After all, there is no greater good that can be done that to reach out and offer a hand to another. And by forgiving myself, and not expecting an apology from anyone else, I am opening up my heart to be someone who can give freely and without expectation. That is what brings me ultimate happiness, and nothing, I have found, is more fulfilling.

-Drea S.

Fighting for Approval

It has been an interesting week for me. Quite a few things have been brought up, that I needed to bring some awareness to. It never seems to get easier to admit that I have to work on something. My sensitive, little (big) ego always likes to take things personally. My resistance to change is directly proportionate to how big of an attachment I have to my defects of character. The more and more I come to feel this resistance, to more I realize that this is true. I had a really strong, and persistant issue come up for me this week, and it was tough to look at it...yet again!

What came up for me this week was my want or "need" to have approval from those I care about. Here is an example of how it appeared in my life: I have decided to receive Reiki levels I and II, it is something that I am passionate about, and am drawn to. I understand that many people aren't going to feel similarly, and that I was okay with. The part that really got to me, and hurt my sensitive little ego, was when I shared it with my boyfriend and wasn't instantly told "I think that's a great idea, and I hope you have a wonderful experience." Instead, we had a 20 minute conversation on why he thought it seemed like a waste of time, and how I didn't feel the need to defend my reasoning for wanting to take the course. A part of me shut down. Although I was happy that I didn't feel the need to argue, and defend my position until he "understood", there was a large part of me that was questioning my desire to take the course. My desire to do something that I loved, and cared about, went out the window because it was questioned by someone else.

I didn't see this right away. No, instead I sat in it for a while and sulked a bit. I justified my need for approval with the fact that I "always" support those that I care about, and had this been the other way around, I would have made that clear. My attachment to being such a "great and supportive" person was just another way I chose to place myself in a little box. So what did I do next? Naturally, I called some people, and tried to get them on "my side." The trouble with that is, I have chosen very carefully the people that I keep close and go to for advice. They don't jump on the bandwagon with my pity parties. Nope. What they did was call me out on my b.s. and tell me this: "don't you dare let someone elses opinion keep you from doing what you are passionate about." Damn it. They were right. I was sitting in a big poopy diaper of old beliefs, some that weren't even mine! I didn't need anyones approval to do anything. Sure, I wanted it, but I didn't need it. What I needed was to allow my heart to guide me, not my ego. And my heart told me what to do long before I asked for anyones opinion.

My issue was never with my boyfriend. In fact, just a few days later he told me "I may not understand, but I support you." I saw what I wanted to see, not what really was. My mind created this movie that no one understood me, and that I didn't have support from anyone. The truth is, everyone I choose to have around me wants nothing but the best for me. At the end of the day, they have always supported me, no matter what. My mind, my ego, likes to tell me otherwise so that I will separate and think of myself as different. We all want what is best for those we Love. We never want to see them settle, or give up on something that makes them happy. I know this is true, because it is what I believe with all of my heart, not only for those I Love, but for all people. And if I ever get to a place where I selfishly think otherwise...RED FLAG! Time to look in the mirror, once again.

It's a process that I have to work on every single day. Just when I think I am healed and free of all illusions, another one comes and smacks me in the face! I am a work in progress, and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect, nor do I want to be. The freedom of not always knowing the best answer, or the most appropriate action, is a blessing! I can learn from others, or from my own experiences. It's what gives me better judgment, what teaches me to continuously surrender, and what allows me open my eyes and my heart to what is. It's what gives me the opportunity to actually live my life, and not just wander through it blindly.

-Drea S.

Invictus

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

This poem, written by William Ernest Henley in 1875 after his foot was amputated due to tuberculosis. He put pen to paper, and created this inspiring poem, when he was in recovery from the surgery, but  it also speaks of his life that included a rather impoverished childhood.

The beauty of this poem is infinite in my world, and to say I am grateful for it's existence is an understatement. In one of my previous blogs, I spoke briefly on my struggle during the first few weeks in prison. I also mentioned one of the first messages I received, via mail, from my father that completely helped me turn my perception of my circumstances around. What I didn't mention, is that a few days later I received a long letter from my father, that included this poem. My father has always had a way of finding the right texts, or saying the right thing at the right time. This was certainly no exception.

As I read these words, on my bunk, in my cell, the tears strolled down my face. A smile so big and bright came across my face, as I read the words and let them marinate in my soul. Inspired? Sure. I was definitely inspired. But the words that hit me the most, were in the last four lines. "It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." I was reminded, ever so delicately that I was responsible for the exact position that I was in. It wasn't any ones else's fault that I sat alone, away from all those I loved. And in that realization, I wasn't sad. I was responsible. I was reminded that I created that experience for myself, in order to learn something. So instead of sitting in sorrow and guilt, I was able to free myself of my fear of failure.

I think that the more I go through moments of fear, no matter how long I allow the fear to survive in my mind, the more I realize that absolutely nothing can cause me any harm. No one, no thing can hurt me in any way. And not just me, everyone! As you read this, think of the struggles that you have gotten through. Go back, and think of the worry and the stress that you placed on yourself just trying to figure out "how" and "if" you were going to make it. And here you are, a new day, reading this rant of mine. Isn't that beautiful? We are survivors. We are so much stronger than we all give ourselves credit for. And yet, we continue to keep doubting ourselves day after day. Why? Because of our fear of the unknown.

Think of that last sentence. "Because of our fear of the unknown." What is it that we fear? That things are going to end up so bad? I don't think so. I think many times, we fear the unknown because we are afraid to actually do something right, to succeed. When I sat in prison, I wasn't depressed because I was actually sitting in prison, I mean if you really think about it...things couldn't get much worse than what they were for me there! NO! My fear was that I actually had something to offer people STILL. I was afraid of my potential, despite hitting my rock bottom. I could no longer sit in my failure, now I had to pick myself up and move on. And THAT was what scared the life out of me.

To say that I am grateful for these words, is an understatement. Yes. It was through these words that I started to rebuild myself. It was because my father could relate to me, and knew what it was that I needed to read, that I started to have some self-esteem again. And it was because I accepted responsibility for myself, and owned my actions that I was able to release my fear of failure and see that no such thing exists. Life seems a lot more hopeful when I believe that truth with my entire being. I no longer want to lie to myself, I choose truth.

-Drea S.



What Happens When You Stop Fighting?

 

I never thought I would be someone who found joy in not fighting back. I'm not talking physically, although many times in my past I was one to turn that direction very quickly. I am talking about the relationships in my life, with work, with disagreements, with taking advice...the list is endless. I am the type of person who has to be in control, has to be right and has to have the last word by nature. I learned from a young age how to take care of myself, and was very independent early on. As I got older, this self reliance turned into a internal struggle with my ego to be a "strong independent woman," someone who didn't have to depend on anyone or anything. I had to know the answers to everything, I had to find a way to survive, not just by providing for myself, but I had to create an environment where I fed this ego of mine constantly. It was exhausting!

It has been a struggle to learn how to surrender and accept that my way isn't always right. It is something that I have to do on a daily basis, and it's hard sometimes. Admitting that Life is far more intelligent that I am is so drastically different than the belief that I am all powerful as I used to think. Luckily, I understand that if I am resisting something, there is usually something there that I need to work on. I am open to that today.

There is so much more freedom in not knowing the answers all the time. I am free to ask the opinion of others, and not get defensive with their response. I am free to say "I don't know," and not appear weak. I am free to step in someone else's shoes and walk a few miles, and be free of judgment. There are so many gifts that come from admitting that I don't know everything. And after all, what is it that we all really know anyway? The only times I feel really good, the only times that I feel completely at peace are the times when I let go of everything that I have come to know as "real" and live through my heart. And when I am being guided by my heart, there is rarely any thinking involved. I'm being guided by God, by something greater than myself. In this place, everything is perfect, all is exactly as it should be, and I am filled with gratitude.

I talk of this place, when I am being guided by my heart, often. And it's very special to me, because for the longest time I really believed that I had to think my way through life. I don't know about you, but for me, when I am thinking my way through all of my problems, and trying to wrap my mind around why people act the way they do, why certain things have to happen, etc., I get stuck. I honestly don't know how to move forward, and I get anxiety with the energy that is blocked. Since I have been learning to live and be guided by my heart, those blockages have opened up and I don't get stuck in the past or worrying about the future. I can run freely with the flow of life. For me, there is nothing sweeter than feeling so connected with nature, with those around me, with God, and seeing the miracles that happen in each moment. And for that, I am forever grateful. And in this moment, I am warmed by the simple thought that many, if not all, of you may understand exactly what this place feels like, and we can enjoy it together.

-Drea S.