Vegas: Now.

 

 

After at least 5 years, I have finally returned to Las Vegas. Sober. I was a little nervous to have the old feelings arise that I experienced here in my previous visits. To my surprise, I haven't had that happen. I have come with my father, my uncle and my wonderful other half, and I haven't even had the chance to sit and think about the "good ol' times" since I've been here. I have been creating new memories, and enjoying the company of people that I love very much. Last night we went to a show, and tonight we will be going to the Hard Rock Hotel to see Guns 'n Roses perform. I love my rock shows! I am very excited, and I will tell you what, It's truly a different experience to do Vegas, not only without a drink or two, but without a hang over! What a change.

I guess the biggest realization about this trip, is the same that I had about one of my favorite places ever...Taos, NM. In both places, I created memories of partying and debauchery. However, since I have decided to turn my life and head a different direction, it really is possible to make new memories and rid of the old attachments. Shouldn't it be like that for just about anything? Think of all of the items, people and places that we attach things to. A dear friend of mine was talking about her home town being a place of defeat and tragedy, and how nothing good ever came from her being there. Recently some wonderful things have happened to her, and now she is finalizing an adoption and having the celebration there. If that is not turning it around for the better, I don't know what is. So why is it so hard to let go of the memories that bring us so much pain? And just as important, why do we hang on the the "good ol' times" and live in the past with things that brought us joy "back then?"

I have learned over the past couple of years that I really have to stop living in the past. I have to stay present in order to have any sort of peace in my life. I can't dwell on events of the past, I can't rely on memories gone to bring me happiness. I must look down at my feet and find acceptance in what is in the current moment. Whether it's being in Las Vegas with my family and boyfriend, or at home working. I can't expect anything other than what is right now to fill me up. If I can't let go of things that "were" how can I expect to even notice that life can get even better? All of the work I have put in to improve myself will be for nothing if I can't stop and take a moment in gratitude. And today that is where I am. I am in total gratitude that I am in a place where I once made a fool of myself, and went home with doggy bag in hand. Today I woke up and enjoyed my morning, took a walk for breakfast, enjoyed the cool fall breeze. Today the Drea that is here in Vegas is not the Drea that was here 5 years ago. Today is only today, and I am only who I am in this moment. Nothing else matters. I am free to choose how I will experience this day, this moment. And for that I am grateful.

The Least Expected Teacher

 

This morning I woke up to the usual...a puppy in my face, licking me and letting me know that it was time to start my day. The thing with my little furry guy is that he has these eyes, these little brown eyes that are so innocent. I don't care if it's 5 in the morning, I can't help but smile when he looks at me. The reason I bring him up, Jax is his name, is because it wasn't until I got this little guy that I really started to stop in the middle of what I was doing to just be. Sure, once in a while when something caught my attention, but for the most part, I have always been an on-the-go-always-have-to-be-doing-something type of person. Thank God that has began to change.

Almost 2 years ago, a dear friend went and picked out this little soul, and gave me one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received in my life. Ever since, my life has truly changed. I've watched this little one grow and slowly changed from a mischievous puppy to a mischievous part of my family. He has taught me patience, responsibility, acceptance, and more importantly, he reflects a lot of what is going on with me. I know that when he is "acting up" or running crazy, that something is usually up with me. He reminds me to take a second, and come back to the present moment. He reminds me to take a look at where my feet are at, and make sure I am doing the things that I need to keep my life in balance. I observe how he is, when he's hungry, he eats. When he's tired, he sleeps. When he wants contact with another soul, he snuggles. And when he needs something else, he speaks up! I mean, why can't we all operate like that? Aren't we the "dominant" species? I know for me, I don't always eat when I'm hungry,  get too busy. I don't always speak when something is on my mind, I'm in fear. I don't always ask for a hug when I need one, I'm determined to get through life, some days, on my own. I mean, we talk about how "difficult" life can get, yet most of the time we are not effectively communicating to ourselves or others about what it is we need.

I think it is absolutely fascinating that, from a a 7 pound dog, I have learned more about myself that I did when I was "seeking" to find myself for many years. A dear friend of mine told me when I got him, "Oh great! You are cheating co-dependency!" I thought to myself, aww crap! But then she told me, "No! It's not a bad thing. You are going to learn a lot from him, if you are willing and open to do so." Boy has that come around full effect. All I can say is, thank God for Jax, especially before I have children of my own! He has been the perfect teacher for me, and has softened my heart in so many ways. With one look of those little eyes I can see the Love he has, he speaks a thousand  loving words with his looks. If only I could do the same with each being I come in contact with. If only we all could, what a place this would be.

Connecting Through the Heart

sacredjourneyoftheheart.com

 

I saw another fantastic spiritual film this evening...The Sacred Journey of the Heart. The title alone is enough to make most people turn around, and head into Paranormal Activity 4. But I assure you, if you stay...you make learn something, because you may feel something.

The entire reason for me to start this blog, was not to just post rants about my life. The main purpose of this blog was to share the Love that comes from my heart when it is fully open. This film talked about exactly that. It talked about using this powerful source to connect to ourselves, the real "Self" that we have been disconnected with for so long. This longing we all have to receive and give love is really all we want to be fulfilled. Nothing else matters. This stuff, this illusory world that we live in has started to suck us dry as a whole. But it doesn't have to be that way.

What I have learned in my spiritual growth, and journey through my own heart, is that when I connect to myself, when I am authentic, I attract things to myself that I never knew I wanted or needed. People come into my life that I learn from, events occur that open my eyes a little wider, and most importantly feelings are felt that I always thought I had to conceal. The joy of it is, I don't have to conceal those feelings. When I allow myself to be guided by my heart, and allow myself to feel the things that come into my awareness, I am opened to immense beauty and opportunity.

Over 8 months ago I began a process that ended in a life changing experience. I spent 4 months in prison to pay my dues for a 3rd offense DUI. Now here I am, a young woman who is educated, has always held a good job, cares about people, and is not a bad person, going to prison. That alone can do some serious damage to ones ego, and rest assured it did some to mine. But what I experienced along the journey is that I no longer had to play the victim to society and the "unfairness" that life had tossed my way. No, I was able to embrace this opportunity as just that. An opportunity. I began to open my heart while I was "away" and to my surprise, I got to know myself more in those short 4 months that I had the previous 26 years of my life.

When you are forced to sit alone in confinement, and you don't have an iPhone or a laptop to distract yourself, you don't really have a choice but to spend time with yourself. Let me tell you, the first part of that journey was so hard. I was in a state of pity for myself, I cried every day, and being the victim was the only option I felt I had. Even after over a year of "preparation" for the experience, I still couldn't come to peace with it once I slipped that orange jumpsuit on.

Ever so slowly, I started to observe my environment. I began to not only see, but feel the people around me, feel the vibration of my surroundings, and most importantly I began to feel the pain and joy and ups and downs of my own life. I began to write letters to those back home that were constantly supporting me, I was able to open up to the women I interacted with everyday in prison, I was able to sit alone with myself and not cry (at least not sad tears of pity). I began to open up completely, I was able to really understand that this opportunity was a wake up call. Not only to change the way I was choosing to live, but a wake up call to stop trying to have all the answers, to become childlike again, and devour my life as if it was the most delicious and decadent dessert I've ever tasted. I was missing out on all of the miracles that were happening on a continuous basis, because I was choosing to ignore the most powerful source of Life...my heart.

It seems too easy, and this film I saw tonight pointed this out as well. But the truth is, it really is this simple. But it does hurt along the way to acknowledge the pains of our pasts, and rid of the shame that we hold on our backs like a ton of bricks. But once you make the decision to stop playing the victim and limiting yourself, it really can come this easy. And the truth is, once you have a glimpse of living through the connection of the heart, rather than just the mind, you don't want to revert back to the old habits. And even if you do, it's not as sweet as it once was, because you know, deep within yourself, that there is a better way to live, a place of peace and joy and beauty. And that my friends, is the place that I was to share with you all. The place of true, pure Love.

-Drea S.

Belief in God vs. Faith in God

What a topic! This was given in a meeting last night, and I have to thank a friend for it. It is something I have never really had to put into words, and to be quite frank, I don't think any actual words can really pin it. Some responses came up that involved "it's a feeling..." "it's a knowing..." "it just is..." and I have to agree with those.

My experience with "God" or a power greater than myself (for those of you who may struggle with this concept), was that I grew up in church with my mother, and my family. I loved going to church from a very young age, maybe it was the arts and crafts that really kept me going, who knows! Somewhere around the ages of 9 or 10 that feeling of eagerness stopped. It wasn't anything in particular, just a feeling that I got that I didn't connect with whatever it was I did before. Call it intuition, or that "knowing", call it whatever you'd like, but I just did not feel the same when I attended. Now, you can imagine this didn't go over well with my mother, and for her sake, I don't really blame her. What mother isn't going to think that her 10 year old just doesn't want to roll out of bed before 9 every Sunday? Well, I was dragged along anyways for a few more years, off and on. We didn't necessarily attend every week, but when we did I had to go. And every time I did, I tried so hard to get back to that place where I used to feel a connection of some sort. But I just didn't.

In no way or form, am I insulting the church I grew up it. Nor am I saying that my parents and family did anything wrong. The point I am trying to make is that I was disconnected from "god" - notice I use lower case letters on that one. Once I was of age to choose for myself, I stopped attending church, pretty much, all together. And to be honest, I tossed God aside all together as well. I had gotten to a point where I had began to take care of myself in a lot of ways, and the know-it-all that I was, I didn't really need anyone else but myself. I was going to be happy, successful, and perfect without the help of anyone or anything. My higher power soon became something else. Something else that held various forms for the next 10 or 11 years. Money, men, alcohol, drugs, sports, etc...you name it. I could put anything on that pedestal and make it work.Until...it no longer worked.

I was miserable! God knows I was miserable! And when I came to my lowest of lows, with my addiction, I am just so grateful that I already had experience with God in some shape or form. Granted I was a little angry with God for allowing my life to completely runs itself into the ground, and let bad things happen to good people, but at this point, I didn't care. I sat up in bed on morning, and I asked God to help me! I didn't know how, I didn't care. I just needed something other that what I had going on.

This is where the faith comes in. Did a bush catch on fire, and the answer revealed within its burning flame? Ummmm, no! But what did happen is I started making changes in my life. New decisions that were just not "me." I started seeking help. What I didn't realize is that by seeking help, I was reaching for God, and I was seeking for something other than myself. I could no longer help me. My sponsor always tells me, "You can't fix a broken brain with a broken brain." I laugh at that now, but wow, what a blow to the ego! So my brain was broken, and I started asking for help. I was still a little sketchy with the whole "god" thing (again the capital letter). But for the sake of trying something different than my way, I would get on my knees and pray. I would say the prayers I was told, and read the meditations I was given. And guess what, it didn't kill me. In fact, most times, I felt better.

When it happened, I'm not sure. But all I do know is that it did. One day I went from believing that something out there existed that was greater than I, to actually trusting in that power. I began to open my heart to others, and trust them when they offered help. I began to see the beauty in life in the trees, and the animals that seemed to be on mute for the first part of my life. I began open my eyes and see the gifts that were always right in front of me. And what I call that is God. To me God is not the man in the clouds, with the big driveway and golden gates in front of Heaven. To me, I can't fully describe God. All I know is that God is no longer god. God is in all things, everywhere. God is Life. And when I trust in God, or have faith in a power greater than myself, Life works. When I lose that trust, and I try to take over the show, it's a lot more difficult and painful. God is no longer that definition I put into a box so many years ago in church. My spirituality grows deeper and deeper each day as the miracles unfold right in front of my eyes. The question is, are they open to experience them?

My little reminder...

Belief...knowing that something else exists. Faith...trusting in it wholly. That's my interpretation on this topic.

Question...

What keeps us from being able to Love ourselves and others freely?

I don't care how many books you read, or how much education you may have, there is usually some sensitive part in all of us that holds us back from being able to Love unconditionally. Yes, we can read that it is our judgment of ourselves and others, or that our egos think we are better or less than our fellows...blah blah, but even when we "know" these things, we keep judging! I don't have an answer to this, because it is still something that I have to work on each and every day.

Now I used to think that I was only "not loving" the people I disliked or hated, but I have come to realize that if I am excluding anyone from Love, then I am separated from the whole completely. A beautiful example that I refer to when trying to intellectualize this whole Love deal is that of a Rose. A rose does not exclude any person or animal from its beauty and  or smell. It does not stop smelling beautifully for one person, and continue for another. It simply is. It does not exclude. That is how we are meant to live, unconditionally extending Love to all, and never excluding Love from anyone or anything.

Still, we do it. Each and every day. I used to judge this about myself, and find it a fault. But isn't the purpose to learn from any place that we may hold a fear about someone or something? Those places we feel that we cannot love ourselves or another are steps to a new lesson. An opportunity to grow and open up. To blossom. So the next time you find yourself in judgment of yourself or another...sit back an observe. What is keeping you from embracing this being? What is keeping you from extending that all powerful Love that is always inclusive, no matter if we think otherwise? Observe...then embrace what you may find. Only then may you transcend that place of fear you are holding on to.

Loneliness vs. Being Alone

 

"If you make friends with youself, you will never be alone."

 

Emptiness. Heavy, dark, emptiness. I think it's safe to say that most of us have been to this place of loneliness. It can happen when we are alone, or even in a crowd. It's the place we go when we separate ourselves from the whole. The place we visit when we think that no one could possibly understand, or when we are too afraid to share a piece of ourselves with another person for fear of judgment. It's the false belief that we need others to make us feel "special", or the idea that until we find that "right person" we can never feel whole. If you can relate to any of these, then rest assured...you are definitely not alone!

Our egos like to make us believe that we are different from our fellows. I struggled with this concept for most of my life, and during my battle with alcoholism, I realized that that was it, I was just going to have this empty hole in my soul that would never be filled. I thought that being lonely was something that was just going to be a part of me forever. So, I did what most people would do, and I set out on a quest to find someone else to fill that void. I thought that if I could just find a man that would love me and accept me for what I am, that I would be happy. I could have the fairy tale "happily ever after." What I found was that I would meet someone, get to know them, tell them ALL about me, and wait for the magic to happen. Well, let me tell you what happened. I began finding that I was feeling even more isolated and empty when I was sitting right next to this very person who was supposed to make it go away! What the hell!? My plan backfired? How did this happen?

Plan 2. I will start seeking a spiritual path, and work on myself! This is the answer! Well, the problem was I was still drinking. Now, for those of you who have struggled with an addiction of any kind, and have sobered up or recovered from whatever type of addiction that consumed you, understand that it's pretty impossible to "find yourself" if you are still imprisoned by your addiction. Needless to say, my journey to "find myself" was not very successful. I would read self help books, in the confines of my own home, with a glass of wine in hand. I would preach my new found love for life and myself, and recite lines from various studies. This was definitely a start of something beautiful! And the best thing was, the more I drank, the more I really could dig deep and get others to listen to me. Until no one would listen to me. When I look back now, I realize that there is nothing more obnoxious than a drunk preaching to you about how to live life happily.

The bottom line is, after a couple of weeks, months, whatever, of my newest "plan" to find happiness, I ended up deeper and deeper in my hole of darkness. I didn't even like hanging out with myself. I mean, you have to really hate yourself to not even want to spend a minute alone. And I was there. I didn't want to go anywhere, or talk to anyone, and I found that isolating and drinking at home would be the best option. I would sit there putting myself down, telling myself "no wonder no one wants to be around you." How sad. The interesting part was, I seemed to always have a guy in the picture who probably just felt sorry for me. At least, that's what I would tell myself. I was jealous, and always expecting that person to break it off, and find someone better than me. I had become someone to settle with in my own mind.

It wasn't until I had to start facing the person in the mirror that I really started to shift any of these perceptions of myself. Once I got sober, and started working on the root of my dis-ease, I couldn't see that the problem wasn't not being able to find the right person "out there" it was that I couldn't find myself "in here." I blamed my parents, my friends, the boyfriends, the person who stared at me wrong at the store, society....the finger pointing never stopped. Finally, I was able to realize that there were 3 fingers pointing back at me every time I did that. I started to actually look at what it was that made me tick, what it was that I was afraid of, what it was that keeping me from being happy. Once I started to accept responsibility for my actions, and realize that no one else is ever going to bring me peace or happiness, that only I can do that, everything started to change. I started to feel a difference in myself, I actually started to like myself! I was actually proud of the person that I was, and would actually like to hang out with myself. I found that slowly, I was able to spend time alone, and not feel the need to have others around. I no longer had that heavy feeling of emptiness. One day I woke up and I actually LOVED BEING ME! Wow, when did this happen? 

I can be alone and have not a single person around, but today I don't ever have to feel lonely. Today I understand that it's a choice that only I can make. I can continue to be a victim of the world around me, and blame my sorrows on everything and everyone around me, or I can buck up and accept some responsibility. I can say sorry when I need to, help another when they need it, ask for help when I need it, and be open to a new way of life. Today I actually value my alone time. And that is a priceless gift from something higher than myself.

-Drea S.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

As I grow each and every day, hour, minute...moment, I understand more and more the need for honesty in my life. Not because I want to be acknowledged as a saint, or that I have no care in the world of people's feelings, but because the only real freedom I have ever experienced came from being honest.

I did not understand how freedom and honesty went hand in hand until I sobered up, and even then it took a lot of work for me to even grasp the concept. Yes I had heard that "the truth shall set you free," and to be honest, I thought of that phrase almost as a self-righteous concept, a form of arrogance. "If I own up to my dirt, and put it out there, then people can't hurt me with it down the road. I can do whatever I want, own it, and no one can call me out on it. That will show them!!" Those were the perverse thoughts that went through my head after being dishonest or deceitful to someone. Never did it occur to me to do the right thing, just because, and have no mess to clean up later.

Honesty isn't doing whatever we want and then blurting it out to whomever, no matter what the cost. Honesty starts within ourselves. Self Honesty is a whole new concept that has completely transformed my life. It means making a choice to act or speak in a way that is either Loving or fearful. It means pausing before responding. It means being authentic, and sincere (say what you mean and mean what you say). Deep down we all know whether the choice we are making at any specific moment will cause harm to ourselves or others. Deep down we know that it's not worth a brief moment  in time of pleasure or indulgence, if we are going to have to hurt someone we care about. When we are honest to ourselves, we realize that Life is about keeping our side of the street clean, no matter what.

Now, if you have ever chosen to be honest in a situation that is very difficult, you know that this can be a very scary thing to do. For examply, staying in a relationship that is no longer healthy for both parties. Sometimes it's easier to sit in a situation that brings us pain, rather than to be honest about it and make a change. Why do we fear the unknown so much? Most of us would rather suffer than to change! Let me tell you, I have been in some very uncomfortable situations, where I have had the opportunity to make a choice to stay, in the comfort of the known, or to make a change into the unknown. Although terrifying at the moment, choosing to make a change has brought beautiful growth in all of those situations. All because I chose to be honest, I chose to be honest to myself!

Honesty no longer means doing whatever I want, and getting away with it. Honesty now means that I respect myself enough to honor my truth; and to acknowledge that truth and allow myself to step out of the illusions that my mind creates. It means walking away sometimes, it means saying I'm sorry when I'm wrong, it means speaking up when I'm allowing myself to get walked on, it means doing the right thing when no one is looking. Honesty today means that I do the right thing becuase I want to, not just beacuse I don't want to get caught. That is where the freedom comes to play. If I am honest with myself, and take action where needed, I can live my life with my head up high. I no longer have to be bound my chains of guilt and shame. True freedom comes from the serenity in my heart, no matter where I am.

-Drea S.

Who am I?

My Brother, Manny and I - and little Aiko

Who the heck am I?  Well, I have to say that it has been an interesting journey getting to a point where I understand myself. Sure, there was always a "self" that I identified with, a "self" that I could put down on paper when asked, a "self" that others may describe me as. But everyday was a struggle to be in my own skin. Everyday I had to put on my smile, and pretend to be "drea" the funny, "confident", don't-care-what-anyone-thinks-of-me, independent woman. Let me tell you, that wasn't me. Not at all. Inside I felt like "drea" the joke.

Growing up was interesting in my household. I have one older brother, and let me tell you...I wanted nothing more that his acceptance. I adored him, and any and everything that he did...I wanted in! The trouble with that was, I found myself sinking more and more into trying to be like someone else, than figuring out who I was. I am not complaining, because being close to him was a powerful experience. But he was the star athlete, the popular guy, the "golden child," and I was just this awkward four-eyed, buck toothed, flower haircutted, little freak! I laugh now at that description, but that's all I really saw in the mirror! I hated being me, and it wasn't fair!

That feeling of hating the skin I was in carried through my entire adolescent life, and the quest to find something to fix that exhausted me. High school was exhausting, and rather depressing...and college was a blur. I started drinking at a young age, and I crossed the line of normal  drinking very early in my life. It temporarily answered this question for me. I became the life of the party, the fun chick to hang out with, a good time....but it was all fake. It was a mask to cover up what was going on inside. Alcohol was very much a blessing and a curse for me. It took me to my absolute lowest lows...but it also brought me to a turning point. It wasn't until I admitted that I was an alcoholic, at 25, that I finally began to realize who I really was.

Sobriety has been the gateway to this quest. Each day I learn something new, I clear up a little more, I dig deep to the scary places of my mind, to clear away the wreckage. I rid of the guilt, shame and embarrassment that dominated me. I allow my Truth to shine, and do my best to be ME all the time and not feel the need to wear those old masks I used to. Today I know that I am pure, I am Love, and I am worth it to want great things. As long as I keep my focus on loving myself, I am able to Love all those around me. And isn't that all we really want? To Love and be Loved? Isn't that all we desire? Today, not only can I Love myself and others, I know that I deserve it. I don't feel ashamed of my experiences, I just know that through the dark I was able to see the light. I was able to ask for help (which was the scariest thing of all!!!) and receive it! WOW, what a gift.

Who am I? I am...I just am, and my only desire in this life, is to Love myself and by doing so I can extend Love to others. And that is ALL that ever matters.

-Drea S.

Where to start?

Where to start? Where do any of us ever start? I can tell you where I started. I can tell you where I started to finally think of "something has to change," instead of "how can I get out of this."

 

It happened on July 4th, 2010 at some odd hour in the middle of the morning. I looked down to finish a text message, while driving, and saw my future flash before my eyes. My future was in the form of a classic pick up truck. I can do nothing but thank something greater than myself for the outcome of this situation. I slammed on the breaks, of a vehicle that was not mine, and came to a screeching halt! I prayed that I would stop before making contact with the pick up, but my prayer was not answered. At least, I didn't think it was. I hit the truck, and reality sank in IMMEDIATELY! I knew my situation, I knew I had two strikes, and this would easily become my third. I was drunk. Very drunk. This was going to be very, very bad.

 

The man I hit, slowly got out of his vehicle and approached me. He asked me to pull off the main road and turn onto the cross street. I agreed, and fully intended to follow my word. But when the light at that intersection turned green, my instict to run kicked in and I was off. I slammed my foot on the gas pedal, and was off. Not 5 seconds later did my conscience kick in and I heard my own voice say, "what are you doing????!!" I had a brief moment of panic, before my rational higher self kicked in and I pulled into the next driveway I saw. I drove to the end of the empty parking lot, and slammed the car into park. I cried, I screamed, and I cried some more. "How? Why?....Why?" The only questions in my mind.

 

The rest of the story is just details. Bottom line is, I was arrested for my 3rd DUI, and taken to jail. I called the one person I felt safe calling to pick me up. My best friend. The best friend I had tossed to the side years before when I decided to put the drink in front of everything important in my life. I knew she would come, and she did. That night was dark. It was lonely, and it was the end. So I thought. My best friend got me home, and reluctantly left me there alone. She was afraid I was going to do something stupid. To be honest, I wasn't so sure I wouldn't. But more than the guilt, shame and deep sadness, I...was...tired. I wanted nothing but sleep. So she left me, tucked me in, and I slept.

 

When I woke up the next morning I cried. Instantly I cried. I was so broken, and alone, and nothing could make me get out of that bed. I am not sure when exactly it happened, or how...but miraculously a feeling came over me that was so powerful I couldn't ignore it. I finally told myself..."STOP!" Enough was enough. I didn't want to live life this way anymore. I wanted more. I wanted peace. I wanted....change. The rest is history. It was there on that bed that I made a choice, a choice not to give up and give in to my demons, but to choose LIFE.

 

Did everything change in that day? HELL NO! But that one choice lead me through one hell of a journey. One that gets better each and every day. And that...is where I started. Started to live.

 

-Drea S.