Loneliness vs. Being Alone

 

"If you make friends with youself, you will never be alone."

 

Emptiness. Heavy, dark, emptiness. I think it's safe to say that most of us have been to this place of loneliness. It can happen when we are alone, or even in a crowd. It's the place we go when we separate ourselves from the whole. The place we visit when we think that no one could possibly understand, or when we are too afraid to share a piece of ourselves with another person for fear of judgment. It's the false belief that we need others to make us feel "special", or the idea that until we find that "right person" we can never feel whole. If you can relate to any of these, then rest assured...you are definitely not alone!

Our egos like to make us believe that we are different from our fellows. I struggled with this concept for most of my life, and during my battle with alcoholism, I realized that that was it, I was just going to have this empty hole in my soul that would never be filled. I thought that being lonely was something that was just going to be a part of me forever. So, I did what most people would do, and I set out on a quest to find someone else to fill that void. I thought that if I could just find a man that would love me and accept me for what I am, that I would be happy. I could have the fairy tale "happily ever after." What I found was that I would meet someone, get to know them, tell them ALL about me, and wait for the magic to happen. Well, let me tell you what happened. I began finding that I was feeling even more isolated and empty when I was sitting right next to this very person who was supposed to make it go away! What the hell!? My plan backfired? How did this happen?

Plan 2. I will start seeking a spiritual path, and work on myself! This is the answer! Well, the problem was I was still drinking. Now, for those of you who have struggled with an addiction of any kind, and have sobered up or recovered from whatever type of addiction that consumed you, understand that it's pretty impossible to "find yourself" if you are still imprisoned by your addiction. Needless to say, my journey to "find myself" was not very successful. I would read self help books, in the confines of my own home, with a glass of wine in hand. I would preach my new found love for life and myself, and recite lines from various studies. This was definitely a start of something beautiful! And the best thing was, the more I drank, the more I really could dig deep and get others to listen to me. Until no one would listen to me. When I look back now, I realize that there is nothing more obnoxious than a drunk preaching to you about how to live life happily.

The bottom line is, after a couple of weeks, months, whatever, of my newest "plan" to find happiness, I ended up deeper and deeper in my hole of darkness. I didn't even like hanging out with myself. I mean, you have to really hate yourself to not even want to spend a minute alone. And I was there. I didn't want to go anywhere, or talk to anyone, and I found that isolating and drinking at home would be the best option. I would sit there putting myself down, telling myself "no wonder no one wants to be around you." How sad. The interesting part was, I seemed to always have a guy in the picture who probably just felt sorry for me. At least, that's what I would tell myself. I was jealous, and always expecting that person to break it off, and find someone better than me. I had become someone to settle with in my own mind.

It wasn't until I had to start facing the person in the mirror that I really started to shift any of these perceptions of myself. Once I got sober, and started working on the root of my dis-ease, I couldn't see that the problem wasn't not being able to find the right person "out there" it was that I couldn't find myself "in here." I blamed my parents, my friends, the boyfriends, the person who stared at me wrong at the store, society....the finger pointing never stopped. Finally, I was able to realize that there were 3 fingers pointing back at me every time I did that. I started to actually look at what it was that made me tick, what it was that I was afraid of, what it was that keeping me from being happy. Once I started to accept responsibility for my actions, and realize that no one else is ever going to bring me peace or happiness, that only I can do that, everything started to change. I started to feel a difference in myself, I actually started to like myself! I was actually proud of the person that I was, and would actually like to hang out with myself. I found that slowly, I was able to spend time alone, and not feel the need to have others around. I no longer had that heavy feeling of emptiness. One day I woke up and I actually LOVED BEING ME! Wow, when did this happen? 

I can be alone and have not a single person around, but today I don't ever have to feel lonely. Today I understand that it's a choice that only I can make. I can continue to be a victim of the world around me, and blame my sorrows on everything and everyone around me, or I can buck up and accept some responsibility. I can say sorry when I need to, help another when they need it, ask for help when I need it, and be open to a new way of life. Today I actually value my alone time. And that is a priceless gift from something higher than myself.

-Drea S.