My experience with "God" or a power greater than myself (for those of you who may struggle with this concept), was that I grew up in church with my mother, and my family. I loved going to church from a very young age, maybe it was the arts and crafts that really kept me going, who knows! Somewhere around the ages of 9 or 10 that feeling of eagerness stopped. It wasn't anything in particular, just a feeling that I got that I didn't connect with whatever it was I did before. Call it intuition, or that "knowing", call it whatever you'd like, but I just did not feel the same when I attended. Now, you can imagine this didn't go over well with my mother, and for her sake, I don't really blame her. What mother isn't going to think that her 10 year old just doesn't want to roll out of bed before 9 every Sunday? Well, I was dragged along anyways for a few more years, off and on. We didn't necessarily attend every week, but when we did I had to go. And every time I did, I tried so hard to get back to that place where I used to feel a connection of some sort. But I just didn't.
In no way or form, am I insulting the church I grew up it. Nor am I saying that my parents and family did anything wrong. The point I am trying to make is that I was disconnected from "god" - notice I use lower case letters on that one. Once I was of age to choose for myself, I stopped attending church, pretty much, all together. And to be honest, I tossed God aside all together as well. I had gotten to a point where I had began to take care of myself in a lot of ways, and the know-it-all that I was, I didn't really need anyone else but myself. I was going to be happy, successful, and perfect without the help of anyone or anything. My higher power soon became something else. Something else that held various forms for the next 10 or 11 years. Money, men, alcohol, drugs, sports, etc...you name it. I could put anything on that pedestal and make it work.Until...it no longer worked.
I was miserable! God knows I was miserable! And when I came to my lowest of lows, with my addiction, I am just so grateful that I already had experience with God in some shape or form. Granted I was a little angry with God for allowing my life to completely runs itself into the ground, and let bad things happen to good people, but at this point, I didn't care. I sat up in bed on morning, and I asked God to help me! I didn't know how, I didn't care. I just needed something other that what I had going on.
This is where the faith comes in. Did a bush catch on fire, and the answer revealed within its burning flame? Ummmm, no! But what did happen is I started making changes in my life. New decisions that were just not "me." I started seeking help. What I didn't realize is that by seeking help, I was reaching for God, and I was seeking for something other than myself. I could no longer help me. My sponsor always tells me, "You can't fix a broken brain with a broken brain." I laugh at that now, but wow, what a blow to the ego! So my brain was broken, and I started asking for help. I was still a little sketchy with the whole "god" thing (again the capital letter). But for the sake of trying something different than my way, I would get on my knees and pray. I would say the prayers I was told, and read the meditations I was given. And guess what, it didn't kill me. In fact, most times, I felt better.
When it happened, I'm not sure. But all I do know is that it did. One day I went from believing that something out there existed that was greater than I, to actually trusting in that power. I began to open my heart to others, and trust them when they offered help. I began to see the beauty in life in the trees, and the animals that seemed to be on mute for the first part of my life. I began open my eyes and see the gifts that were always right in front of me. And what I call that is God. To me God is not the man in the clouds, with the big driveway and golden gates in front of Heaven. To me, I can't fully describe God. All I know is that God is no longer god. God is in all things, everywhere. God is Life. And when I trust in God, or have faith in a power greater than myself, Life works. When I lose that trust, and I try to take over the show, it's a lot more difficult and painful. God is no longer that definition I put into a box so many years ago in church. My spirituality grows deeper and deeper each day as the miracles unfold right in front of my eyes. The question is, are they open to experience them?
My little reminder...
Belief...knowing that something else exists. Faith...trusting in it wholly. That's my interpretation on this topic.
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