Who am I?

My Brother, Manny and I - and little Aiko

Who the heck am I?  Well, I have to say that it has been an interesting journey getting to a point where I understand myself. Sure, there was always a "self" that I identified with, a "self" that I could put down on paper when asked, a "self" that others may describe me as. But everyday was a struggle to be in my own skin. Everyday I had to put on my smile, and pretend to be "drea" the funny, "confident", don't-care-what-anyone-thinks-of-me, independent woman. Let me tell you, that wasn't me. Not at all. Inside I felt like "drea" the joke.

Growing up was interesting in my household. I have one older brother, and let me tell you...I wanted nothing more that his acceptance. I adored him, and any and everything that he did...I wanted in! The trouble with that was, I found myself sinking more and more into trying to be like someone else, than figuring out who I was. I am not complaining, because being close to him was a powerful experience. But he was the star athlete, the popular guy, the "golden child," and I was just this awkward four-eyed, buck toothed, flower haircutted, little freak! I laugh now at that description, but that's all I really saw in the mirror! I hated being me, and it wasn't fair!

That feeling of hating the skin I was in carried through my entire adolescent life, and the quest to find something to fix that exhausted me. High school was exhausting, and rather depressing...and college was a blur. I started drinking at a young age, and I crossed the line of normal  drinking very early in my life. It temporarily answered this question for me. I became the life of the party, the fun chick to hang out with, a good time....but it was all fake. It was a mask to cover up what was going on inside. Alcohol was very much a blessing and a curse for me. It took me to my absolute lowest lows...but it also brought me to a turning point. It wasn't until I admitted that I was an alcoholic, at 25, that I finally began to realize who I really was.

Sobriety has been the gateway to this quest. Each day I learn something new, I clear up a little more, I dig deep to the scary places of my mind, to clear away the wreckage. I rid of the guilt, shame and embarrassment that dominated me. I allow my Truth to shine, and do my best to be ME all the time and not feel the need to wear those old masks I used to. Today I know that I am pure, I am Love, and I am worth it to want great things. As long as I keep my focus on loving myself, I am able to Love all those around me. And isn't that all we really want? To Love and be Loved? Isn't that all we desire? Today, not only can I Love myself and others, I know that I deserve it. I don't feel ashamed of my experiences, I just know that through the dark I was able to see the light. I was able to ask for help (which was the scariest thing of all!!!) and receive it! WOW, what a gift.

Who am I? I am...I just am, and my only desire in this life, is to Love myself and by doing so I can extend Love to others. And that is ALL that ever matters.

-Drea S.