Tragedy Hits at the Heart: How Do We Heal?

 

It's all over the news, post after post on Facebook, in the newspapers...the shootings that took place yesterday in Newtown, Connecticut have left this country in complete heartbreak. It's more than a tragedy, what took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School. That's a common feeling around the country this morning, while some have cried many tears, others have expressed anger towards the shooter. I don't wish to name the shooter specifically, and for my own reasons, some of which I will touch on during this blog. However, it's safe to say that what happened yesterday was another example of how our society has and will continue to head in such a dark direction, if things don't change. It's heavy on my heart, and yes, I am terribly sad for the children and other adult victims of this horrific event, but I am even in more pain for the rest of us who have been surviving through these heart wrenching events, and sadly...I feel there are still more to come.

I have so many ideas that have been flying through my head since I found out the news yesterday. I only tuned in to the news for a brief moment, to confirm what I have previously heard. And my heart sank, as I saw the scene outside of Sandy Hook. Why? What is it that can cause any one such a deep desire to cause harm to another human being? No matter how much spiritual studying I do, and how deep of an understanding that I may or may not have of the term "harm" I am still human. My heart still breaks, I still cry, I still hurt for those who are suffering. Yesterday was no different.

One of my issues, when events such as this take place, starts with the media. They have the ability to turn a horrific event into a Hollywood night out. And as much as I have been guilty of this in the past, we all sit in front of the television and soak up every ounce of it. Memorizing the people's faces, histories, and passing judgments on those who are the cause. In this case, the shooter, only 20 years old, took his own life. In my opinion, I am not happy that one more life was lost, whether it be an innocent child or the shooter himself, but I am relieved that our country will not have to sit through the televised court proceedings of his "punishment." That is not the answer to stopping this from happening again. But all you will see on TV is "what could have caused this man to do this?" "John Doe caused tragedy in Blanktown, US." Etc, etc. We make these people who commit awful crimes  famous! It has to stop! Tuning in to watch the same words repeated, over and over, has to stop! Passing judgment on these broken people has to stop!  

I have seen so many posts and heard so many comments about this person, and the hate and anger that is coming out saddens me just as much as the event itself. Do I agree with what he did? Absolutely not! Do I feel sorry for him? Negative. But I do know, deep down in my heart, that someone does not commit an act such as this if they are in a good place in their life.. This 20 year old man was in pain himself, and without an outlet this is the direction that pain can take any one of us. When I sat in prison for those months, I came into direct contact with women who have committed murder. Did I pass judgement? Of course I did...at first. But the more I sat in there and thought about it, what right do I have to do that? Have I not had a murderous thought before? Have I not acted violently against a fellow human being? Have I not been a part of a potentially life threatening situation? Yes to ALL of the above. Now, that's just me. But I challenge all of you to think about similar things. We have all been in those places of hurt and fear. Most will not act on them, but you and I all know that it can happen in a split second where an act is done without a second thought. "But this is the slaughtering of innocent people? How can you compare a murderous thought to murder of multiple people?" I am not saying that what this man did was right or justified in any way, what I am saying is that I have ZERO right to judge. I have never walked in his shoes, I have never seen the pain through his eyes. I don't know. But what I do know is that I have hurt, I have been in pain, I have been so selfish that it sickens me, I have had awful thoughts, and that doesn't make me any better or worse. We are all in this together, and the sooner our society realizes that, and stops separating us from one another, the sooner we can begin to heal as a whole.

All I know is that had I not had people to turn to, places to go and a power greater than myself to trust, I could have sunk lower and lower into that dark pit that was growing inside of me. But because I had hands that were reached out to me, and love of family, friends and God, I was able to crawl my way out. I can't say the same for every other soul on this plane. There are a lot of wounded souls out there, and instead of reaching a hand to those who need it, we are judging, pointing fingers, starting wars between countries, states, cities, neighborhoods, and most importantly...within ourselves. When I talk about Love being everything, and only Love matters..this is why. The only thing that is going to be able to heal our wounded souls is Love. We must not be afraid to extend that Love to one in need. And this doesn't just mean a homeless man on the side of the road, or a elderly woman needing assistance, or a stray puppy on the street...this means the darkest and most troubled souls. Those in our prisons, those in mental hospitals, those who have so much fear and hate in their eyes, they need the most Love. I've seen it, and the most beautiful thing is, I have seen that fear and hate disolve, and the Love emerge from their heart. It's a miraculous thing, and each person is capable of finding the Love within them, they just need a little hope sometimes.

So as we mourn for those in the shooting in Newtown, I ask you to take a deeper look. I ask you to find those places where you have had unkind thoughts, acted unkindly to another, and forgive yourself. I ask you to make an effort to view things a little differently. I ask you to pray for those how are suffering, including yourself. I ask you to find a place to share the Love within your own heart, and never be afraid to extend it to another. We are all in this together, the sooner we start to remember that and live by it, the sooner we will begin to heal the darkness and allow the light within us all to shine. Don't be afraid to shine. Don't be afraid to Love. And most importantly, do not be afraid to let Love in.

-Drea S.

For-give-ness: Forgive You? Or Forgive Myself?

 

I have been sitting and reflecting on the idea of forgiveness during the past few weeks. A spiritual study group, that I am an active and committed member of, has been on this topic recently, and boy has it brought up some shouting within all of us. What I used to think of forgiveness, is not at all what it is to me today. In fact, it still grows for me today. I see how it evolves within my life, and how I have to adapt, and remain completely willing and opened to receive it's gifts. As a child, I was taught to say sorry if I did something wrong to another. I was also taught to accept an apology from someone who wronged me. Therefore, I carried those beliefs with me until a couple of years ago. In my past I would stew in anger, for who knows how long, because someone would not admit they had wronged me. Today, I don't have to wait for that to have some peace in my life.

Today, I see forgiveness in a whole new light. Today, I can take a situation that brings up some resistance, anger or frustration with another and look at my part. I ALWAYS have a part. What I have come to learn is that it is not the action of another that is causing my discomfort. It's not that at all. What it is, is my perception that what another has done is wrong. In truth, it is impossible for anyone outside of myself to wrong me. I create my experiences, and although it's very difficult to wrap my head around this concept at times, it's so very true.

What I have been experiencing in my spiritual study group is that the conflicts that are arising from each member bring up sensitive core values for me. Things that have been so deep rooted since I was a small child, are coming up still. One person can say something that takes my memory back to a place of fear, and in the past I would jump at the opportunity to correct that person and make them see that they are in the wrong. What I have noticed is that I have gone from that person who will take action, whether it be physical or verbal, and I have been keeping my mouth shut and just observing. This has been a very difficult thing for me to start doing, because my instinct is to do one of two things: fight or run. Ever since I have made the commitment to observe, not only others around me, but myself, doors have been opening that have revealed some of the most beautiful gifts.

I have learned the beauty of letting go of my attachment to people, places or things. Who would have thought that detachment could be a gift? I didn't! But let me tell you, not having to take on stuff that no longer serves me is one of the GREATEST gifts that I have ever received. I used to think that if I detached from things, it meant that I no longer cared about anyone or anything. But that's not true at all. In fact, it means I can actually care more. How? Well, take a fight between yourself and a close friend or family member...you are in disagreement for whatever reason. Something makes you tick, and you get angry and upset. Instead of stewing in what is angering YOU, and how the other person has wronged YOU, you can get to a place of compassion, and understanding. The chances are, if something is upsetting you, it is because you relate to this person more that you are willing to admit in the heat of the moment. But if you take the opportunity, you can use that to relate to the other person in such an intimate way, and open up a space for both of you to heal places that need correction. It's a very loving place to be in, and freeing. To be able to admit that you love yourself and another more than the need to be right, I can't think of a more beautiful and caring place to be.

There is a saying, "I can forgive, but I can not forget."  I can see truth to that in many instances. What I think of this now is that I can detach from the negativity of the occurrance, and let it go. The event still happened, the situation still took place, but I do not have to hold on to the negativity of it anymore. I can free myself of the burden of hurt and pain it brought me. I can dig deep and find out exactly what it is that is causing me so much pain, fear or what have you. I can acknowledge it, and use it to help me grow. Let me tell you...that is not always easy. Trust me, I have had some really awful things happen in my life, that applying this really took some time. But in the end, it really is the only option for me. I don't want to be a victim in this world. I want to accept 100% responsibility for my life, and part of that requires that I let go of junk that no longer has a purpose for my greater good and well being.

After reflecting on this concept of forgiveness, something rings in my mind. Someone very dear to me always says, "Forgiveness is FOR GIVING." And what that means to me today is that by forgiving myself of my perceptions of people, places and things, I am opening up a place to give a piece of myself to another, a piece that they may need to do the same for themselves. After all, there is no greater good that can be done that to reach out and offer a hand to another. And by forgiving myself, and not expecting an apology from anyone else, I am opening up my heart to be someone who can give freely and without expectation. That is what brings me ultimate happiness, and nothing, I have found, is more fulfilling.

-Drea S.

Fighting for Approval

It has been an interesting week for me. Quite a few things have been brought up, that I needed to bring some awareness to. It never seems to get easier to admit that I have to work on something. My sensitive, little (big) ego always likes to take things personally. My resistance to change is directly proportionate to how big of an attachment I have to my defects of character. The more and more I come to feel this resistance, to more I realize that this is true. I had a really strong, and persistant issue come up for me this week, and it was tough to look at it...yet again!

What came up for me this week was my want or "need" to have approval from those I care about. Here is an example of how it appeared in my life: I have decided to receive Reiki levels I and II, it is something that I am passionate about, and am drawn to. I understand that many people aren't going to feel similarly, and that I was okay with. The part that really got to me, and hurt my sensitive little ego, was when I shared it with my boyfriend and wasn't instantly told "I think that's a great idea, and I hope you have a wonderful experience." Instead, we had a 20 minute conversation on why he thought it seemed like a waste of time, and how I didn't feel the need to defend my reasoning for wanting to take the course. A part of me shut down. Although I was happy that I didn't feel the need to argue, and defend my position until he "understood", there was a large part of me that was questioning my desire to take the course. My desire to do something that I loved, and cared about, went out the window because it was questioned by someone else.

I didn't see this right away. No, instead I sat in it for a while and sulked a bit. I justified my need for approval with the fact that I "always" support those that I care about, and had this been the other way around, I would have made that clear. My attachment to being such a "great and supportive" person was just another way I chose to place myself in a little box. So what did I do next? Naturally, I called some people, and tried to get them on "my side." The trouble with that is, I have chosen very carefully the people that I keep close and go to for advice. They don't jump on the bandwagon with my pity parties. Nope. What they did was call me out on my b.s. and tell me this: "don't you dare let someone elses opinion keep you from doing what you are passionate about." Damn it. They were right. I was sitting in a big poopy diaper of old beliefs, some that weren't even mine! I didn't need anyones approval to do anything. Sure, I wanted it, but I didn't need it. What I needed was to allow my heart to guide me, not my ego. And my heart told me what to do long before I asked for anyones opinion.

My issue was never with my boyfriend. In fact, just a few days later he told me "I may not understand, but I support you." I saw what I wanted to see, not what really was. My mind created this movie that no one understood me, and that I didn't have support from anyone. The truth is, everyone I choose to have around me wants nothing but the best for me. At the end of the day, they have always supported me, no matter what. My mind, my ego, likes to tell me otherwise so that I will separate and think of myself as different. We all want what is best for those we Love. We never want to see them settle, or give up on something that makes them happy. I know this is true, because it is what I believe with all of my heart, not only for those I Love, but for all people. And if I ever get to a place where I selfishly think otherwise...RED FLAG! Time to look in the mirror, once again.

It's a process that I have to work on every single day. Just when I think I am healed and free of all illusions, another one comes and smacks me in the face! I am a work in progress, and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect, nor do I want to be. The freedom of not always knowing the best answer, or the most appropriate action, is a blessing! I can learn from others, or from my own experiences. It's what gives me better judgment, what teaches me to continuously surrender, and what allows me open my eyes and my heart to what is. It's what gives me the opportunity to actually live my life, and not just wander through it blindly.

-Drea S.

Invictus

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

This poem, written by William Ernest Henley in 1875 after his foot was amputated due to tuberculosis. He put pen to paper, and created this inspiring poem, when he was in recovery from the surgery, but  it also speaks of his life that included a rather impoverished childhood.

The beauty of this poem is infinite in my world, and to say I am grateful for it's existence is an understatement. In one of my previous blogs, I spoke briefly on my struggle during the first few weeks in prison. I also mentioned one of the first messages I received, via mail, from my father that completely helped me turn my perception of my circumstances around. What I didn't mention, is that a few days later I received a long letter from my father, that included this poem. My father has always had a way of finding the right texts, or saying the right thing at the right time. This was certainly no exception.

As I read these words, on my bunk, in my cell, the tears strolled down my face. A smile so big and bright came across my face, as I read the words and let them marinate in my soul. Inspired? Sure. I was definitely inspired. But the words that hit me the most, were in the last four lines. "It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." I was reminded, ever so delicately that I was responsible for the exact position that I was in. It wasn't any ones else's fault that I sat alone, away from all those I loved. And in that realization, I wasn't sad. I was responsible. I was reminded that I created that experience for myself, in order to learn something. So instead of sitting in sorrow and guilt, I was able to free myself of my fear of failure.

I think that the more I go through moments of fear, no matter how long I allow the fear to survive in my mind, the more I realize that absolutely nothing can cause me any harm. No one, no thing can hurt me in any way. And not just me, everyone! As you read this, think of the struggles that you have gotten through. Go back, and think of the worry and the stress that you placed on yourself just trying to figure out "how" and "if" you were going to make it. And here you are, a new day, reading this rant of mine. Isn't that beautiful? We are survivors. We are so much stronger than we all give ourselves credit for. And yet, we continue to keep doubting ourselves day after day. Why? Because of our fear of the unknown.

Think of that last sentence. "Because of our fear of the unknown." What is it that we fear? That things are going to end up so bad? I don't think so. I think many times, we fear the unknown because we are afraid to actually do something right, to succeed. When I sat in prison, I wasn't depressed because I was actually sitting in prison, I mean if you really think about it...things couldn't get much worse than what they were for me there! NO! My fear was that I actually had something to offer people STILL. I was afraid of my potential, despite hitting my rock bottom. I could no longer sit in my failure, now I had to pick myself up and move on. And THAT was what scared the life out of me.

To say that I am grateful for these words, is an understatement. Yes. It was through these words that I started to rebuild myself. It was because my father could relate to me, and knew what it was that I needed to read, that I started to have some self-esteem again. And it was because I accepted responsibility for myself, and owned my actions that I was able to release my fear of failure and see that no such thing exists. Life seems a lot more hopeful when I believe that truth with my entire being. I no longer want to lie to myself, I choose truth.

-Drea S.



What Happens When You Stop Fighting?

 

I never thought I would be someone who found joy in not fighting back. I'm not talking physically, although many times in my past I was one to turn that direction very quickly. I am talking about the relationships in my life, with work, with disagreements, with taking advice...the list is endless. I am the type of person who has to be in control, has to be right and has to have the last word by nature. I learned from a young age how to take care of myself, and was very independent early on. As I got older, this self reliance turned into a internal struggle with my ego to be a "strong independent woman," someone who didn't have to depend on anyone or anything. I had to know the answers to everything, I had to find a way to survive, not just by providing for myself, but I had to create an environment where I fed this ego of mine constantly. It was exhausting!

It has been a struggle to learn how to surrender and accept that my way isn't always right. It is something that I have to do on a daily basis, and it's hard sometimes. Admitting that Life is far more intelligent that I am is so drastically different than the belief that I am all powerful as I used to think. Luckily, I understand that if I am resisting something, there is usually something there that I need to work on. I am open to that today.

There is so much more freedom in not knowing the answers all the time. I am free to ask the opinion of others, and not get defensive with their response. I am free to say "I don't know," and not appear weak. I am free to step in someone else's shoes and walk a few miles, and be free of judgment. There are so many gifts that come from admitting that I don't know everything. And after all, what is it that we all really know anyway? The only times I feel really good, the only times that I feel completely at peace are the times when I let go of everything that I have come to know as "real" and live through my heart. And when I am being guided by my heart, there is rarely any thinking involved. I'm being guided by God, by something greater than myself. In this place, everything is perfect, all is exactly as it should be, and I am filled with gratitude.

I talk of this place, when I am being guided by my heart, often. And it's very special to me, because for the longest time I really believed that I had to think my way through life. I don't know about you, but for me, when I am thinking my way through all of my problems, and trying to wrap my mind around why people act the way they do, why certain things have to happen, etc., I get stuck. I honestly don't know how to move forward, and I get anxiety with the energy that is blocked. Since I have been learning to live and be guided by my heart, those blockages have opened up and I don't get stuck in the past or worrying about the future. I can run freely with the flow of life. For me, there is nothing sweeter than feeling so connected with nature, with those around me, with God, and seeing the miracles that happen in each moment. And for that, I am forever grateful. And in this moment, I am warmed by the simple thought that many, if not all, of you may understand exactly what this place feels like, and we can enjoy it together.

-Drea S.

Imprisonment: Behind Bars or In My Own Thoughts

 

I remember the day I was taken to ASPC Perryville, from Estrella County Jail. I had been up for 14-16 hours, in a tiny holding tank with 5 other women, no bench to sit on, not blankets, and no pillows. After sitting in this tank all night, freezing, starving and so tired that you can't even think straight, a van finally picked us up and transferred us from county jail to the state prison facility. I remember sitting in the van, chains on my ankles and cuffs on my wrists, peeking out of the tiny corner of the window with a huge smile on my face. I could see civilization! After a month of sitting in county jail, I hadn't seen a car drive on the freeway, or a tree, or the sky for that matter. So I sat against the door and watched carefully as we made our way to DOC.

When we pulled up to the gates at Lumley, one of Perryville's maximum security yards, we were lined up against a chain fence, uncuffed and sniffed out by the dogs. Now, some of you may be thinking, "that's horrible!" But let me tell you, we were promised that if we were on good behavior we would never wear a pair of handcuffs again, and that was something that means a whole lot after any time spent in a pair. I was so excited to finally get to Perryville, it meant better food, contact visits with my family, boyfriend and friends, no handcuffs, TV, being able to roam outside in a yard, and so much more. After losing these privileges of everyday life, you start to appreciate the really small things. I was ready to get these next few months knocked out, so I could go home, and if it meant some extra freedom along the way, I was all for it.

The first 8 hours upon arrival meant sitting in medical and receiving various tests and evaluations. Some processes are to make sure you are healthy enough to be held in public population, and others help classify your security level and medical clearance for work. It was a long process, and it went smooth until the last hour. I came in with a pair of plastic framed glasses, for a reason. I knew that metal frames were not allowed in the jails, and I have horrible vision, so I prepared. Well, After sitting through county for a month with no problem, and the first 7 hours of intake at Perryville, my glasses had not been a problem. About an hour before we were done, I was called to the Correction Officer's desk and asked to sign a form. As I glanced over the form, I realized it was property form that had information about my eye glasses already filled out. The C.O. then asked me to remove my glasses and surrender them to her.

"No, no. This can't be happening. I can't see without these." I kept thinking to myself. I explained that they were a plastic frame and was told i could keep them. She told me there was a small piece of metal at the hinges, and therefore they were not acceptable. She confiscated them, and told me to have a family member pick them up. My heart sank. I am legally blind without my glasses, and cannot see further than 6 inches away from my face. I was terrified. I am in prison, I have never been here before, I can't see, and I'm scared out of my mind. My mind starts racing at 1000 miles an hour, and the tears start streaming down my face. I wanted so badly to call home and talk to someone, anyone  familiar. I wanted to hug my mom, I wanted to lay in my own bed, I wanted Dan to tell me it was going to be OK, I wanted to feel safe. Honestly, I kept praying that I would wake up from this nightmare still...after 30 days ,a part of me thought it could still be a dream.

After we finished at medical they proceeded to take us to Receiving and Assignment (R&A). I had heard stories of this portion of the DOC journey, but again, nothing could fully prepare you for this. It was 23 hour a day lock down in a cell with 1-2 other cell mates. You are released for 15 minutes 3 times a day during the week, and 2 times a day on the weekends to eat, and 1 hour a day every 2-3 days for "Rec" where you can sit outside or take a shower. The first day in R&A, I was assigned a room with one of the women I had come from Estrella with, and we were told to go straight to our cell and "lock down." I remember as if it were yesterday, the feeling I had when I closed that door and I was confined to my cell. Overcome with fear, trembling to hold my tears back, once again, and feeling so much anxiety that it seemed as though I might just burst into a million pieces. I wanted to die. I literally wanted to give up, and call it quits rather than to go through this anymore.

The next few days were the toughest days I have ever had in my entire life. Not only could I not see anything, I could not call home, I had no paper to write a letter, I had no books to read, I couldn't sleep, I hadn't showered in 3 days (one of the women had our Rec taken away for bad behavior), the list went on and on. I was in so much fear and victimization, that I couldn't even get to a place of gratitude for one second!  I felt so broken, and it seemed as though I was never going to be able to recover from this. My release date was so far away, I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be a free woman again.

It wasn't until a few days after my arrival at Perryville that I had a moment of complete and utter clarity. I was standing at my tiny window in the door, looking out at the shadows to guess what time of day it was. I saw some birds on the rail in front of my cell, and I started to just focus on the birds. I started to think of what it would be like to be those birds. "If I were those birds, I would be as far away from this place as possible. Why do they chose to come here? There is no food, no water, no nothing." I stood in front of this door for a while, and I just observed. And suddenly it became very clear to me, "these birds don't know any different that to come here, to this prison, and search for food to survive. There must be something here for them to keep coming back." The more I pondered on that thought, the more I started to shift my perception of my situation. Prior to my court dates, and sentencing, I had a really positive attitude about this upcoming prison sentence. Somewhere along the way, I had lost that positivity, and got sucked into identifying myself with this prison. I had bought in to the illusion that I was a prisoner. I had bought into the illusion that I was worthless, and didn't deserve anything good in life. By watching these birds for who knows how long, I was able to become aware of the veil I had over myself. And ever so slowly, I started to peel it away.

The very moment I made the choice to accept my situation for what it was, a learning experience and nothing more, The gripping fear slowly started to release from me. It didn't happen immediately, but bit by bit things started happening. On my 4th day, I got my first letter from my father. It was a simple post card that said "Andre - I think about you everyday, and smile comes to my face when I think that we will be together again soon." I remember the feeling of warmth that started to fill my heart as I read those words. I remember the smile that came across my face, and the tears that followed. I wasn't alone. Even though I felt so far away, the simple reminder from my father helped me to see the truth of everything. My family was still there for me. My friends were still there for me. My boyfriend was still there for me. I had the same support that I did when I was home, I just had to stop looking outside for it. All I had to do was dig in and connect to my own heart to feel it.

My sponsor told me before I left, "If you can be free in prison, you can be free anywhere." I finally started to see that there was a solid truth to those words. The locked doors and cells and handcuffs could not imprison me. My own thoughts, judgments, and beliefs were the only bars that I could place on my life. Identifying myself with the things I had done, the places I had been, and the situations I had put myself in was going to be the only imprisonment that could exist. I was done playing the game, I was done buying into the illusion that I was worthless and less of a person for being where I was. And I made a committment to myself to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to accept responsibility for my actions, and learn from every part of this experience. I wanted to get to know the women around me, and learn from them, I wanted to take this break from society and cleanse myself. I wanted to take advantage of the fact that for the next few months I didn't have to worry about taking care of anyone but myself. This was ME time. I thank God for giving me that moment of awareness. I am grateful that I was able to take a step out of my own mind and observe what I was saying to myself. No wonder I couldn't get a positive thought out, I was too busy beating myself up and kicking myself when I was down. Once I was able to listen to my own thoughts, and not judge them, I was able to shift my perception completely. It didn't matter that I didn't have my glasses, or that I couldn't call my family yet. This was all temporary. The emptiness and loneliness that I felt was my own creation, and I didn't have to spend the next few months sulking in it. And let me tell you, those next few months held some of the happiest moments in my life. I shared beautiful connections with not only the women incarcerated with me, but with those back home. My relationships started to grow with my parents, my boyfriend, my friends and extended family. Here I thought that being gone would cause people to forget about me, and it did the opposite. It brought me closer to everyone, including myself.

Two months after getting to Perryville I finally had a pair of glasses sent to me from my father. I remember putting them on, and crying, I was so happy! It was very symbolic for me, it was as of God gave me my eyes back. After going the first two months hardly seeing a thing, and learning not to judge anyone of anything based on my eye sight, I was allowed to see again. Only this time, I could actually SEE. I appreciated what it was that appeared before me, prison and all. I embraced it, and those around me. I truly saw the women I was surrounded by and had learned to love them. And last....I could see myself. The best part was, I loved what I saw. I had learned to Love myself for the very first time....ever. and that was the most irreplaceable gift. When I look back at the months I spent in prison, I no longer have to dwell in the darkness, I can celebrate the light that came from it. I am actually proud of the woman I have become, and a large part of that growth is attributed to my stay behind bars.

  -Drea S.

Letting Go of Need

There is a concept that has come up many times in a study that I currently doing. "I need do nothing." Simple words, not so simple meaning. When I see that statement, the first part of me that wants to analyze it is my ego. "What do you mean, I need do nothing? What about work? I HAVE to do that. How else would I pay that bills that HAVE to be paid?" I mean, I can go on and on, and boy have I in many arguments of my past. If I were to make a list of the things I have "had to do" in my life, I probably would never have any fun, time to rest, or opportunities to experience new things. Thank God for the part of me that knows that this statement really does ring true, the part of me that is connected with All, that knows the Truth. And the truth is, I literally need do nothing. Does that mean that I actually don't do anything, ever? No!

The more I have practiced this in my life, the more meaning it has, and the more I have come to learn about the true essence of myself. The beauty of it is that there are so many things that I truly WANT to do. I WANT to get up and work, I WANT to pay my bills, I WANT to help people, I WANT to be kind to those I connect with, I WANT to Love all. As long as I watch my motives, and make choices from the heart, I never seem to dread or dislike anything I'm doing, because I am not worried about the doing...I am being. It is only when I am focused on the outcome of something that I  am doing that I get preoccupied with the minor details or inconveniences. It is when I am focused on the doing that I  find it difficult to accept what is. 

So, with the help of this simple phrase, I need do nothing, I can check my motives, see if I am acting out of my ego and focusing on the outcome. Most of the time it is a reminder for me to take a step back and let go! There are few things I have actual control over, even though I like to think that I am far more powerful than I really am. Life has a way of figuring itself out without my help, and as long as I can trust that process, I can keep myself from a lot of unnecessary stress. Less stress means that I can stop living life life a stiff, and enjoy it. I can stop and take a break when I want to, I can laugh at myself when I am taking myself too seriously, I can allow myself to make mistakes, and try a different way...the list is endless. My point is, when I can let go, and allow life to take care of itself, I get the opportunity to play like a child again, and enjoy the innocence of all that surrounds me.

The world that I choose to live in today, is one that I have to make a conscious effort to create.  I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt. I choose to see the glass as half full. I choose to look at our world as a loving place, and not one of hate. I choose to let go and not hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. I choose to see the beauty and not the ugliness. Some days are harder than others, but for the most part, I don't have what most would call a "bad" day. And when I do, it is because I am finding something in my life unacceptable, and I am focused on an outcome. By realizing my need to do nothing and accept what is, I can usually transcend whatever it is I am struggling with. I can choose to start my day over at any time, and when I choose to do so, it usually means I am choosing to Love.

 

-Drea S.

Vegas: Now.

 

 

After at least 5 years, I have finally returned to Las Vegas. Sober. I was a little nervous to have the old feelings arise that I experienced here in my previous visits. To my surprise, I haven't had that happen. I have come with my father, my uncle and my wonderful other half, and I haven't even had the chance to sit and think about the "good ol' times" since I've been here. I have been creating new memories, and enjoying the company of people that I love very much. Last night we went to a show, and tonight we will be going to the Hard Rock Hotel to see Guns 'n Roses perform. I love my rock shows! I am very excited, and I will tell you what, It's truly a different experience to do Vegas, not only without a drink or two, but without a hang over! What a change.

I guess the biggest realization about this trip, is the same that I had about one of my favorite places ever...Taos, NM. In both places, I created memories of partying and debauchery. However, since I have decided to turn my life and head a different direction, it really is possible to make new memories and rid of the old attachments. Shouldn't it be like that for just about anything? Think of all of the items, people and places that we attach things to. A dear friend of mine was talking about her home town being a place of defeat and tragedy, and how nothing good ever came from her being there. Recently some wonderful things have happened to her, and now she is finalizing an adoption and having the celebration there. If that is not turning it around for the better, I don't know what is. So why is it so hard to let go of the memories that bring us so much pain? And just as important, why do we hang on the the "good ol' times" and live in the past with things that brought us joy "back then?"

I have learned over the past couple of years that I really have to stop living in the past. I have to stay present in order to have any sort of peace in my life. I can't dwell on events of the past, I can't rely on memories gone to bring me happiness. I must look down at my feet and find acceptance in what is in the current moment. Whether it's being in Las Vegas with my family and boyfriend, or at home working. I can't expect anything other than what is right now to fill me up. If I can't let go of things that "were" how can I expect to even notice that life can get even better? All of the work I have put in to improve myself will be for nothing if I can't stop and take a moment in gratitude. And today that is where I am. I am in total gratitude that I am in a place where I once made a fool of myself, and went home with doggy bag in hand. Today I woke up and enjoyed my morning, took a walk for breakfast, enjoyed the cool fall breeze. Today the Drea that is here in Vegas is not the Drea that was here 5 years ago. Today is only today, and I am only who I am in this moment. Nothing else matters. I am free to choose how I will experience this day, this moment. And for that I am grateful.

The Least Expected Teacher

 

This morning I woke up to the usual...a puppy in my face, licking me and letting me know that it was time to start my day. The thing with my little furry guy is that he has these eyes, these little brown eyes that are so innocent. I don't care if it's 5 in the morning, I can't help but smile when he looks at me. The reason I bring him up, Jax is his name, is because it wasn't until I got this little guy that I really started to stop in the middle of what I was doing to just be. Sure, once in a while when something caught my attention, but for the most part, I have always been an on-the-go-always-have-to-be-doing-something type of person. Thank God that has began to change.

Almost 2 years ago, a dear friend went and picked out this little soul, and gave me one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received in my life. Ever since, my life has truly changed. I've watched this little one grow and slowly changed from a mischievous puppy to a mischievous part of my family. He has taught me patience, responsibility, acceptance, and more importantly, he reflects a lot of what is going on with me. I know that when he is "acting up" or running crazy, that something is usually up with me. He reminds me to take a second, and come back to the present moment. He reminds me to take a look at where my feet are at, and make sure I am doing the things that I need to keep my life in balance. I observe how he is, when he's hungry, he eats. When he's tired, he sleeps. When he wants contact with another soul, he snuggles. And when he needs something else, he speaks up! I mean, why can't we all operate like that? Aren't we the "dominant" species? I know for me, I don't always eat when I'm hungry,  get too busy. I don't always speak when something is on my mind, I'm in fear. I don't always ask for a hug when I need one, I'm determined to get through life, some days, on my own. I mean, we talk about how "difficult" life can get, yet most of the time we are not effectively communicating to ourselves or others about what it is we need.

I think it is absolutely fascinating that, from a a 7 pound dog, I have learned more about myself that I did when I was "seeking" to find myself for many years. A dear friend of mine told me when I got him, "Oh great! You are cheating co-dependency!" I thought to myself, aww crap! But then she told me, "No! It's not a bad thing. You are going to learn a lot from him, if you are willing and open to do so." Boy has that come around full effect. All I can say is, thank God for Jax, especially before I have children of my own! He has been the perfect teacher for me, and has softened my heart in so many ways. With one look of those little eyes I can see the Love he has, he speaks a thousand  loving words with his looks. If only I could do the same with each being I come in contact with. If only we all could, what a place this would be.

Connecting Through the Heart

sacredjourneyoftheheart.com

 

I saw another fantastic spiritual film this evening...The Sacred Journey of the Heart. The title alone is enough to make most people turn around, and head into Paranormal Activity 4. But I assure you, if you stay...you make learn something, because you may feel something.

The entire reason for me to start this blog, was not to just post rants about my life. The main purpose of this blog was to share the Love that comes from my heart when it is fully open. This film talked about exactly that. It talked about using this powerful source to connect to ourselves, the real "Self" that we have been disconnected with for so long. This longing we all have to receive and give love is really all we want to be fulfilled. Nothing else matters. This stuff, this illusory world that we live in has started to suck us dry as a whole. But it doesn't have to be that way.

What I have learned in my spiritual growth, and journey through my own heart, is that when I connect to myself, when I am authentic, I attract things to myself that I never knew I wanted or needed. People come into my life that I learn from, events occur that open my eyes a little wider, and most importantly feelings are felt that I always thought I had to conceal. The joy of it is, I don't have to conceal those feelings. When I allow myself to be guided by my heart, and allow myself to feel the things that come into my awareness, I am opened to immense beauty and opportunity.

Over 8 months ago I began a process that ended in a life changing experience. I spent 4 months in prison to pay my dues for a 3rd offense DUI. Now here I am, a young woman who is educated, has always held a good job, cares about people, and is not a bad person, going to prison. That alone can do some serious damage to ones ego, and rest assured it did some to mine. But what I experienced along the journey is that I no longer had to play the victim to society and the "unfairness" that life had tossed my way. No, I was able to embrace this opportunity as just that. An opportunity. I began to open my heart while I was "away" and to my surprise, I got to know myself more in those short 4 months that I had the previous 26 years of my life.

When you are forced to sit alone in confinement, and you don't have an iPhone or a laptop to distract yourself, you don't really have a choice but to spend time with yourself. Let me tell you, the first part of that journey was so hard. I was in a state of pity for myself, I cried every day, and being the victim was the only option I felt I had. Even after over a year of "preparation" for the experience, I still couldn't come to peace with it once I slipped that orange jumpsuit on.

Ever so slowly, I started to observe my environment. I began to not only see, but feel the people around me, feel the vibration of my surroundings, and most importantly I began to feel the pain and joy and ups and downs of my own life. I began to write letters to those back home that were constantly supporting me, I was able to open up to the women I interacted with everyday in prison, I was able to sit alone with myself and not cry (at least not sad tears of pity). I began to open up completely, I was able to really understand that this opportunity was a wake up call. Not only to change the way I was choosing to live, but a wake up call to stop trying to have all the answers, to become childlike again, and devour my life as if it was the most delicious and decadent dessert I've ever tasted. I was missing out on all of the miracles that were happening on a continuous basis, because I was choosing to ignore the most powerful source of Life...my heart.

It seems too easy, and this film I saw tonight pointed this out as well. But the truth is, it really is this simple. But it does hurt along the way to acknowledge the pains of our pasts, and rid of the shame that we hold on our backs like a ton of bricks. But once you make the decision to stop playing the victim and limiting yourself, it really can come this easy. And the truth is, once you have a glimpse of living through the connection of the heart, rather than just the mind, you don't want to revert back to the old habits. And even if you do, it's not as sweet as it once was, because you know, deep within yourself, that there is a better way to live, a place of peace and joy and beauty. And that my friends, is the place that I was to share with you all. The place of true, pure Love.

-Drea S.

Belief in God vs. Faith in God

What a topic! This was given in a meeting last night, and I have to thank a friend for it. It is something I have never really had to put into words, and to be quite frank, I don't think any actual words can really pin it. Some responses came up that involved "it's a feeling..." "it's a knowing..." "it just is..." and I have to agree with those.

My experience with "God" or a power greater than myself (for those of you who may struggle with this concept), was that I grew up in church with my mother, and my family. I loved going to church from a very young age, maybe it was the arts and crafts that really kept me going, who knows! Somewhere around the ages of 9 or 10 that feeling of eagerness stopped. It wasn't anything in particular, just a feeling that I got that I didn't connect with whatever it was I did before. Call it intuition, or that "knowing", call it whatever you'd like, but I just did not feel the same when I attended. Now, you can imagine this didn't go over well with my mother, and for her sake, I don't really blame her. What mother isn't going to think that her 10 year old just doesn't want to roll out of bed before 9 every Sunday? Well, I was dragged along anyways for a few more years, off and on. We didn't necessarily attend every week, but when we did I had to go. And every time I did, I tried so hard to get back to that place where I used to feel a connection of some sort. But I just didn't.

In no way or form, am I insulting the church I grew up it. Nor am I saying that my parents and family did anything wrong. The point I am trying to make is that I was disconnected from "god" - notice I use lower case letters on that one. Once I was of age to choose for myself, I stopped attending church, pretty much, all together. And to be honest, I tossed God aside all together as well. I had gotten to a point where I had began to take care of myself in a lot of ways, and the know-it-all that I was, I didn't really need anyone else but myself. I was going to be happy, successful, and perfect without the help of anyone or anything. My higher power soon became something else. Something else that held various forms for the next 10 or 11 years. Money, men, alcohol, drugs, sports, etc...you name it. I could put anything on that pedestal and make it work.Until...it no longer worked.

I was miserable! God knows I was miserable! And when I came to my lowest of lows, with my addiction, I am just so grateful that I already had experience with God in some shape or form. Granted I was a little angry with God for allowing my life to completely runs itself into the ground, and let bad things happen to good people, but at this point, I didn't care. I sat up in bed on morning, and I asked God to help me! I didn't know how, I didn't care. I just needed something other that what I had going on.

This is where the faith comes in. Did a bush catch on fire, and the answer revealed within its burning flame? Ummmm, no! But what did happen is I started making changes in my life. New decisions that were just not "me." I started seeking help. What I didn't realize is that by seeking help, I was reaching for God, and I was seeking for something other than myself. I could no longer help me. My sponsor always tells me, "You can't fix a broken brain with a broken brain." I laugh at that now, but wow, what a blow to the ego! So my brain was broken, and I started asking for help. I was still a little sketchy with the whole "god" thing (again the capital letter). But for the sake of trying something different than my way, I would get on my knees and pray. I would say the prayers I was told, and read the meditations I was given. And guess what, it didn't kill me. In fact, most times, I felt better.

When it happened, I'm not sure. But all I do know is that it did. One day I went from believing that something out there existed that was greater than I, to actually trusting in that power. I began to open my heart to others, and trust them when they offered help. I began to see the beauty in life in the trees, and the animals that seemed to be on mute for the first part of my life. I began open my eyes and see the gifts that were always right in front of me. And what I call that is God. To me God is not the man in the clouds, with the big driveway and golden gates in front of Heaven. To me, I can't fully describe God. All I know is that God is no longer god. God is in all things, everywhere. God is Life. And when I trust in God, or have faith in a power greater than myself, Life works. When I lose that trust, and I try to take over the show, it's a lot more difficult and painful. God is no longer that definition I put into a box so many years ago in church. My spirituality grows deeper and deeper each day as the miracles unfold right in front of my eyes. The question is, are they open to experience them?

My little reminder...

Belief...knowing that something else exists. Faith...trusting in it wholly. That's my interpretation on this topic.

Question...

What keeps us from being able to Love ourselves and others freely?

I don't care how many books you read, or how much education you may have, there is usually some sensitive part in all of us that holds us back from being able to Love unconditionally. Yes, we can read that it is our judgment of ourselves and others, or that our egos think we are better or less than our fellows...blah blah, but even when we "know" these things, we keep judging! I don't have an answer to this, because it is still something that I have to work on each and every day.

Now I used to think that I was only "not loving" the people I disliked or hated, but I have come to realize that if I am excluding anyone from Love, then I am separated from the whole completely. A beautiful example that I refer to when trying to intellectualize this whole Love deal is that of a Rose. A rose does not exclude any person or animal from its beauty and  or smell. It does not stop smelling beautifully for one person, and continue for another. It simply is. It does not exclude. That is how we are meant to live, unconditionally extending Love to all, and never excluding Love from anyone or anything.

Still, we do it. Each and every day. I used to judge this about myself, and find it a fault. But isn't the purpose to learn from any place that we may hold a fear about someone or something? Those places we feel that we cannot love ourselves or another are steps to a new lesson. An opportunity to grow and open up. To blossom. So the next time you find yourself in judgment of yourself or another...sit back an observe. What is keeping you from embracing this being? What is keeping you from extending that all powerful Love that is always inclusive, no matter if we think otherwise? Observe...then embrace what you may find. Only then may you transcend that place of fear you are holding on to.

Loneliness vs. Being Alone

 

"If you make friends with youself, you will never be alone."

 

Emptiness. Heavy, dark, emptiness. I think it's safe to say that most of us have been to this place of loneliness. It can happen when we are alone, or even in a crowd. It's the place we go when we separate ourselves from the whole. The place we visit when we think that no one could possibly understand, or when we are too afraid to share a piece of ourselves with another person for fear of judgment. It's the false belief that we need others to make us feel "special", or the idea that until we find that "right person" we can never feel whole. If you can relate to any of these, then rest assured...you are definitely not alone!

Our egos like to make us believe that we are different from our fellows. I struggled with this concept for most of my life, and during my battle with alcoholism, I realized that that was it, I was just going to have this empty hole in my soul that would never be filled. I thought that being lonely was something that was just going to be a part of me forever. So, I did what most people would do, and I set out on a quest to find someone else to fill that void. I thought that if I could just find a man that would love me and accept me for what I am, that I would be happy. I could have the fairy tale "happily ever after." What I found was that I would meet someone, get to know them, tell them ALL about me, and wait for the magic to happen. Well, let me tell you what happened. I began finding that I was feeling even more isolated and empty when I was sitting right next to this very person who was supposed to make it go away! What the hell!? My plan backfired? How did this happen?

Plan 2. I will start seeking a spiritual path, and work on myself! This is the answer! Well, the problem was I was still drinking. Now, for those of you who have struggled with an addiction of any kind, and have sobered up or recovered from whatever type of addiction that consumed you, understand that it's pretty impossible to "find yourself" if you are still imprisoned by your addiction. Needless to say, my journey to "find myself" was not very successful. I would read self help books, in the confines of my own home, with a glass of wine in hand. I would preach my new found love for life and myself, and recite lines from various studies. This was definitely a start of something beautiful! And the best thing was, the more I drank, the more I really could dig deep and get others to listen to me. Until no one would listen to me. When I look back now, I realize that there is nothing more obnoxious than a drunk preaching to you about how to live life happily.

The bottom line is, after a couple of weeks, months, whatever, of my newest "plan" to find happiness, I ended up deeper and deeper in my hole of darkness. I didn't even like hanging out with myself. I mean, you have to really hate yourself to not even want to spend a minute alone. And I was there. I didn't want to go anywhere, or talk to anyone, and I found that isolating and drinking at home would be the best option. I would sit there putting myself down, telling myself "no wonder no one wants to be around you." How sad. The interesting part was, I seemed to always have a guy in the picture who probably just felt sorry for me. At least, that's what I would tell myself. I was jealous, and always expecting that person to break it off, and find someone better than me. I had become someone to settle with in my own mind.

It wasn't until I had to start facing the person in the mirror that I really started to shift any of these perceptions of myself. Once I got sober, and started working on the root of my dis-ease, I couldn't see that the problem wasn't not being able to find the right person "out there" it was that I couldn't find myself "in here." I blamed my parents, my friends, the boyfriends, the person who stared at me wrong at the store, society....the finger pointing never stopped. Finally, I was able to realize that there were 3 fingers pointing back at me every time I did that. I started to actually look at what it was that made me tick, what it was that I was afraid of, what it was that keeping me from being happy. Once I started to accept responsibility for my actions, and realize that no one else is ever going to bring me peace or happiness, that only I can do that, everything started to change. I started to feel a difference in myself, I actually started to like myself! I was actually proud of the person that I was, and would actually like to hang out with myself. I found that slowly, I was able to spend time alone, and not feel the need to have others around. I no longer had that heavy feeling of emptiness. One day I woke up and I actually LOVED BEING ME! Wow, when did this happen? 

I can be alone and have not a single person around, but today I don't ever have to feel lonely. Today I understand that it's a choice that only I can make. I can continue to be a victim of the world around me, and blame my sorrows on everything and everyone around me, or I can buck up and accept some responsibility. I can say sorry when I need to, help another when they need it, ask for help when I need it, and be open to a new way of life. Today I actually value my alone time. And that is a priceless gift from something higher than myself.

-Drea S.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

As I grow each and every day, hour, minute...moment, I understand more and more the need for honesty in my life. Not because I want to be acknowledged as a saint, or that I have no care in the world of people's feelings, but because the only real freedom I have ever experienced came from being honest.

I did not understand how freedom and honesty went hand in hand until I sobered up, and even then it took a lot of work for me to even grasp the concept. Yes I had heard that "the truth shall set you free," and to be honest, I thought of that phrase almost as a self-righteous concept, a form of arrogance. "If I own up to my dirt, and put it out there, then people can't hurt me with it down the road. I can do whatever I want, own it, and no one can call me out on it. That will show them!!" Those were the perverse thoughts that went through my head after being dishonest or deceitful to someone. Never did it occur to me to do the right thing, just because, and have no mess to clean up later.

Honesty isn't doing whatever we want and then blurting it out to whomever, no matter what the cost. Honesty starts within ourselves. Self Honesty is a whole new concept that has completely transformed my life. It means making a choice to act or speak in a way that is either Loving or fearful. It means pausing before responding. It means being authentic, and sincere (say what you mean and mean what you say). Deep down we all know whether the choice we are making at any specific moment will cause harm to ourselves or others. Deep down we know that it's not worth a brief moment  in time of pleasure or indulgence, if we are going to have to hurt someone we care about. When we are honest to ourselves, we realize that Life is about keeping our side of the street clean, no matter what.

Now, if you have ever chosen to be honest in a situation that is very difficult, you know that this can be a very scary thing to do. For examply, staying in a relationship that is no longer healthy for both parties. Sometimes it's easier to sit in a situation that brings us pain, rather than to be honest about it and make a change. Why do we fear the unknown so much? Most of us would rather suffer than to change! Let me tell you, I have been in some very uncomfortable situations, where I have had the opportunity to make a choice to stay, in the comfort of the known, or to make a change into the unknown. Although terrifying at the moment, choosing to make a change has brought beautiful growth in all of those situations. All because I chose to be honest, I chose to be honest to myself!

Honesty no longer means doing whatever I want, and getting away with it. Honesty now means that I respect myself enough to honor my truth; and to acknowledge that truth and allow myself to step out of the illusions that my mind creates. It means walking away sometimes, it means saying I'm sorry when I'm wrong, it means speaking up when I'm allowing myself to get walked on, it means doing the right thing when no one is looking. Honesty today means that I do the right thing becuase I want to, not just beacuse I don't want to get caught. That is where the freedom comes to play. If I am honest with myself, and take action where needed, I can live my life with my head up high. I no longer have to be bound my chains of guilt and shame. True freedom comes from the serenity in my heart, no matter where I am.

-Drea S.

Who am I?

My Brother, Manny and I - and little Aiko

Who the heck am I?  Well, I have to say that it has been an interesting journey getting to a point where I understand myself. Sure, there was always a "self" that I identified with, a "self" that I could put down on paper when asked, a "self" that others may describe me as. But everyday was a struggle to be in my own skin. Everyday I had to put on my smile, and pretend to be "drea" the funny, "confident", don't-care-what-anyone-thinks-of-me, independent woman. Let me tell you, that wasn't me. Not at all. Inside I felt like "drea" the joke.

Growing up was interesting in my household. I have one older brother, and let me tell you...I wanted nothing more that his acceptance. I adored him, and any and everything that he did...I wanted in! The trouble with that was, I found myself sinking more and more into trying to be like someone else, than figuring out who I was. I am not complaining, because being close to him was a powerful experience. But he was the star athlete, the popular guy, the "golden child," and I was just this awkward four-eyed, buck toothed, flower haircutted, little freak! I laugh now at that description, but that's all I really saw in the mirror! I hated being me, and it wasn't fair!

That feeling of hating the skin I was in carried through my entire adolescent life, and the quest to find something to fix that exhausted me. High school was exhausting, and rather depressing...and college was a blur. I started drinking at a young age, and I crossed the line of normal  drinking very early in my life. It temporarily answered this question for me. I became the life of the party, the fun chick to hang out with, a good time....but it was all fake. It was a mask to cover up what was going on inside. Alcohol was very much a blessing and a curse for me. It took me to my absolute lowest lows...but it also brought me to a turning point. It wasn't until I admitted that I was an alcoholic, at 25, that I finally began to realize who I really was.

Sobriety has been the gateway to this quest. Each day I learn something new, I clear up a little more, I dig deep to the scary places of my mind, to clear away the wreckage. I rid of the guilt, shame and embarrassment that dominated me. I allow my Truth to shine, and do my best to be ME all the time and not feel the need to wear those old masks I used to. Today I know that I am pure, I am Love, and I am worth it to want great things. As long as I keep my focus on loving myself, I am able to Love all those around me. And isn't that all we really want? To Love and be Loved? Isn't that all we desire? Today, not only can I Love myself and others, I know that I deserve it. I don't feel ashamed of my experiences, I just know that through the dark I was able to see the light. I was able to ask for help (which was the scariest thing of all!!!) and receive it! WOW, what a gift.

Who am I? I am...I just am, and my only desire in this life, is to Love myself and by doing so I can extend Love to others. And that is ALL that ever matters.

-Drea S.

Where to start?

Where to start? Where do any of us ever start? I can tell you where I started. I can tell you where I started to finally think of "something has to change," instead of "how can I get out of this."

 

It happened on July 4th, 2010 at some odd hour in the middle of the morning. I looked down to finish a text message, while driving, and saw my future flash before my eyes. My future was in the form of a classic pick up truck. I can do nothing but thank something greater than myself for the outcome of this situation. I slammed on the breaks, of a vehicle that was not mine, and came to a screeching halt! I prayed that I would stop before making contact with the pick up, but my prayer was not answered. At least, I didn't think it was. I hit the truck, and reality sank in IMMEDIATELY! I knew my situation, I knew I had two strikes, and this would easily become my third. I was drunk. Very drunk. This was going to be very, very bad.

 

The man I hit, slowly got out of his vehicle and approached me. He asked me to pull off the main road and turn onto the cross street. I agreed, and fully intended to follow my word. But when the light at that intersection turned green, my instict to run kicked in and I was off. I slammed my foot on the gas pedal, and was off. Not 5 seconds later did my conscience kick in and I heard my own voice say, "what are you doing????!!" I had a brief moment of panic, before my rational higher self kicked in and I pulled into the next driveway I saw. I drove to the end of the empty parking lot, and slammed the car into park. I cried, I screamed, and I cried some more. "How? Why?....Why?" The only questions in my mind.

 

The rest of the story is just details. Bottom line is, I was arrested for my 3rd DUI, and taken to jail. I called the one person I felt safe calling to pick me up. My best friend. The best friend I had tossed to the side years before when I decided to put the drink in front of everything important in my life. I knew she would come, and she did. That night was dark. It was lonely, and it was the end. So I thought. My best friend got me home, and reluctantly left me there alone. She was afraid I was going to do something stupid. To be honest, I wasn't so sure I wouldn't. But more than the guilt, shame and deep sadness, I...was...tired. I wanted nothing but sleep. So she left me, tucked me in, and I slept.

 

When I woke up the next morning I cried. Instantly I cried. I was so broken, and alone, and nothing could make me get out of that bed. I am not sure when exactly it happened, or how...but miraculously a feeling came over me that was so powerful I couldn't ignore it. I finally told myself..."STOP!" Enough was enough. I didn't want to live life this way anymore. I wanted more. I wanted peace. I wanted....change. The rest is history. It was there on that bed that I made a choice, a choice not to give up and give in to my demons, but to choose LIFE.

 

Did everything change in that day? HELL NO! But that one choice lead me through one hell of a journey. One that gets better each and every day. And that...is where I started. Started to live.

 

-Drea S.